Top Two Perform – Finals!

We start with a montage extravaganza from auditions to the finals stage.

THIS is aMERican Idol!

Ryan struts awkwardly down the stage to welcome us to the Final Showdown. Acoustic Rocker vs. the Glam Rocker. The Guy Next Door vs. the Guyliner. (groan!) Randy is mixing plaid with polkadots. Kara looks relatively normal. Paula is visible in bright green. Simon is actually wearing a jacket. Adam and Kris are presented to lots of cheers and what the heck does Adam have around his neck?  Metal fringe on this v-neck t-shirt. We will see three songs tonight: their own favorite performance from the season, a song chosen by the secret Simon (Fuller) and the winner’s single, co-written by Kara.

Adam Lambert – Mad World – Gary Jules
Apparently Adam has always been a screamer, much to the chagrin of his parents.  Adam actually chooses my favorite song of his from the year he was born. I totally forgot about this song, but now I’m reminded it was one of my favorites. Franny (who is sitting next to me) thinks we’re actually watching some alternate reality version of Phantom of the Opera. She’s not too far off. The performance is perfect and moving, but doesn’t really pack a punch. Randy gives him an A+. Kara tells him he set the bar back then with the song and did it again tonight. Paula’s brain got baked in the tanning booth. Simon doesn’t like Phantom of the Opera apparently, he must share a brain with Franny.

Kris Allen – Ain’t No Sunshine – Bill Withers
His parents are maybe even cuter than he is, and obviously love him very much. So he’s got that going for him. Pretty soon into the song he kicks it up that notch which Adam was lacking. He’s beautiful and perfect and I wish he would come to my house with those coupons and sing for me. Simon’s golf clap is not entirely encouraging though. Randy thinks it was one of his best performances ever on the stage. Kara loves his intimate bond. Paula tries to communicate with some spirits. Simon gets dollar signs in his eyes for Kris for the first time. Welcome to the party, Simon!

Ryan brings us back by saying tonight is too close to call, even though Simon just called the first round for Kris.  Way to pay attention, Ryan.

Adam Lambert – Change is Gonna Come – Sam Cooke
Adam is dressed like a hipster at a tradeshow. Or something like that.  After 9 weeks of Adam outfits I’ve kind of run out of words. He looks like he’s about to cry during the entire performance, which may in fact be true. And if it were would be rather sweet. He makes the song his own, with out going overboard on the screeching, so that’s encouraging. Like I said last week, there’s not much you can fault Adam for anymore. Randy tells him he can sing his face off (but maybe not through the make-up). Kara thinks it was his best performance and interpretation. Paula is about to lasso up her little cash pony. Simon welcomes him back to the competition.

Kris Allen – What’s Going On – Marvin Gaye
Kris is sitting with his guitar serenading us all with his velvet voice and nimble fingers. Can I just take this moment to say that Simon Fuller should pick all the songs all the time, because he is really good at it! However, it maybe wasn’t as pumped up a performance as it should be. This is the big dance, Kris. I hope you kill the cheesy number at the end! Randy calls it light. Kara inspires Kris to become a hippie political singer. He could be like the FreeCreditReport.com guy, but for world peace! Paula got fast forwarded. Simon was having flashbacks to his misspent youth. Not as strong a performance as it should have been.

Adam Lambert – No Boundries – Kara DioGuardi, Kathy Dennis & Mitch Allen
My goodness it’s hard to critique a song you’ve never heard before.  Especially one for which you are already putting on your cynical face before it even starts. This is where the competition totally loses me, because who on earth that likes Adam wants to listen to him sing this trite, cloying, clichéd crap? If he loses the competition because of his performance of this song, I think he will actually have won. In life. Randy says ‘Yo’, and some other stuff. Kara thanks him for singing a song she co-wrote. Paula …? Simon refuses to judge the song and basically calls it crap while Kara says ‘I know, I know’. If you’re going to write that shit Kara, you have to own it. Simon instead judges Adam on being the best idol competitor ever in the history of the show. So there you go.

Kris Allen – No Boundries – Kara DioGuardi, Kathy Dennis & Mitch Allen
Kris forgoes the piano and guitar to sing it straight into the mic. And he pulled out his Members Only jacket for the special occasion. Kris’ singing style is much better suited for this song, but I think he just forgot the lyrics! Ooops! He seems to be struggling with the high notes. This isn’t looking like a great song choice for either contestant. I think also maybe he’s singing the entire thing off key. Maybe he’s doing it on purpose so he doesn’t have to include the song on his first album, because you know there is going to be one. Either way, good strategy on both his and Adam’s parts. Randy thought the song fit Kris better. Kara hopes people vote for him based on the entire season, which, if we’re going to do that, would make Adam the winner by a mile. Kris is the comeback kid, but he didn’t quite sink his last shot. Paula wishes him luck. Simon congratulates him on deserving to be there and actually means it in one of those rare, heartfelt Simon moments.

Ryan wraps up the show without any more boxing metaphors. Nice one, Seacrest, that was so last season!

Thanks for reading and see you next year!

Top 3 Perform – Goodbye, Kris!

It’s the 300th episode of American Idol! Have I really spent 300 or more hours with Ryan Seacrest? Awesome. He introduces the “Three Amigos” (lame!) and the judges. Randy is the same as always. Kara had some kind of blowout. Paula is hiding behind her chair. Simon is feeling feisty tonight! I have a way of knowing these things.

Adam, Kris & Danny have reached the hometown heroes stage of the competition; keys to the cities, blah blah blah, bumrushing. What?

Tonight they will each be singing two songs; one judge’s choice and one their own.

Danny Gokey (Paula’s choice) – Dance Little Sister – Terence Trent D’Arby
I don’t know this song really, so it’s hard to tell if it’s an imitation and if the judges will think it’s original or if Paula will back him up simply because it’s her choice. It sounds super cheesy to me with a popcorn chorus. And scatting vs. saxaphone? What is that? Definitely not a highlight of this show, which is what it needs to be at this point. Randy thinks it was a good start with lots of energy. Though Kara thinks his tone is good, she knocks his dorky dancing. Paula gives him props for his choreography so we know she’s high. Simon complements his vocals but thinks the sax thing was lame and that he could have sung a better TTD song.

During Danny’s numbers Simon tries to drug Paula with some chloroform and drag her off the stage. It’s so cute how OCD poster boy, Ryan, gets so uncomfortable when things get a little out of hand on his show.

Kris Allen (Randy & Kara) – Apologize – One Republic
The mayor hands Kris a GIANT box with a tiny little phone in it to find out his judge’s pick. Kris is at the piano which is an interesting choice for this song. I love this song, and I love Kris, but maybe not the two together. It seems like he’s trying a bit to hard. It’s a weird mix between trying to make the song his own and performing an imitation. He seems a bit reprimanded already as he gets up from the piano. Randy backs up his own song choice. Kara tells him it was a nice performance, but wishes he had hit it out of the park. Paula stumbles over some nonsense and mentions one bad note. Simon, still kind of miffed that Paula got away during the commercial break, knocks Kara’s critique. He’s really on fire tonight. I LOVE it. I completely forgot what he said about Kris, though.

Ryan tries to step in to break up the… oh wait, now Kara is strangling Simon! What is going on here?!?!

Adam (Simon’s choice) – One – U2
Is Adam wearing silver make up like a pretend robot street performer? Does Adam ever cease to amaze me? The answer to both questions is NO! This is probably Adam’s straightest performance on the show to date, and it’s absolutely beautiful. When he gets to the big section it kind of goes all screechy and crazy Adam-like. Not sure I love it, but what will the judges think? Look, at this point (and pretty much from the get go) it’s impossible to criticize Adam’s singing because it’s pretty much perfect. So it all comes down to a matter of taste and I think he has proven himself to be the lone Krispy Kreme doughnut in the middle of a Weight Watchers meeting. Randy is the only one with me (insert weight joke here). Kara is starry eyed. Paula is speechless. Simon is gloating.

Danny Gokey – You are so beautiful – Joe Cocker
Booooring. Danny pulls out all the stops in one more chance to pay tribute to his dead wife. It’s overwrought, overemotional, and I’m totally over it. Sorry Danny. I know I will probably be looking at you up on that stage next week, but I’m not going to like it. Not even for a minute. Randy tells him he can really, really, really sing. Kara calls him stunning and nothing else. Paula lost her breath and her brain. Simon calls it a vocal master class. Oy vey.

Kris Allen – Heartless – Kanye West 
So far I like Kris’ song choices the best. But as of right now I haven’t heard him sing. So well see how this goes. I will admit I am totally biased towards the popular songs as opposed to the classics. I can see why people might pick Danny over this, but I think it’s pretty amazing. Randy likes this version better than all the other versions produced of this song. Sweet. Kara calls him bold, brave and fearless. Paula rambles on while Simon rolls his eyes at her. When it’s finally Simo’s turn he beats around the bush quite a bit before telling him he’s back in the competition.

Adam Lambert – Cryin’ – Aerosmith
I’m so glad they saved this song for last because I can tell from the first note that it’s going to be so totally awesome that the audience is going to completely loose their shit harder than they have all season. I bet if they showed the judges table they would all be making out with each other while patting themselves on their backs. If that’s possible. Randy tells him he should be a rock star (um, isn’t he already?). Kara says see you at the final, but not with a lot of confidence. Paula’s talking about flying around. Simon refuses to suck up, because he doesn’t want the voters to forget to vote for Adam, because he’s so inherently awesome that they would just assume he’d be there.

See you in the finals, Adam!

[ed note: I wasn’t really blown away by any of the performances tonight. I remember being pretty blown away last season during the Top 3, so here’s to hoping the Final Two don’t disappoint!]

The School of Rock

Idol and I have had somewhat of an on again/off again relationship this year. I’d like for us to spend more time together, but it just doesn’t seem to be working out as planned.

Of the remaining four contestants, it should be pretty obvious that two of them have tonight in the bag before Ryan even does his schtick. I’m a little worried about my boy Kris, and I’m secretly hoping that Danny (or even Allison) blows it big time to keep him in the competition a little longer. Adam is totally safe tonight. With his skills, background and the way he scared the C.R.A.P. out of everyone last Wednesday, I’m pretty sure the votes for him will be pouring in.

After explaining the entire disaster movie plot that took place on the stage earlier in the week, where allegedly several people were killed and others were running around with limbs missing, Ryan informs us that tonight will consist of six duets [ed note: I was totally wrong about this]. I guess rock night was just a little bit too much of an advantage for some contestants one contestant so they decided to level the playing field. Without a “proper” dress rehearsal (see above), this might be the second biggest disaster of the week.

Slash shows up as the Teacher of the Week at the School of Rock. I hope next year they get Buckethead!

Adam Lambert (noted: not a duet) – Whole Lotta Love – Led Zepplin
Adam’s breasts make their second appearance on the Idol stage. He sings the song exactly how you think he would sing the song, and somehow it comes off as not being that original. For Adam. He’s definitely the contestant that can pull off Led Zepplin, and he pretty much rocks the house. Randy gives him the thumbs up and Kara is a little embarrassed that they are wearing the same jacket. Paula blathers for a second while my eyes glaze over and Simon gives him props for taking on Led Zepplin and winning the evening already. So are we done then? Nope, it’s time for…

Allison Iraheta – Cry Baby – Janis Joplin

Allison tones down the wacky outfit thing a bit tonight… for Rock Night? Shocking! What is not shocking, however, is the way she sounds exactly like Janis Joplin. The judges want her to sing with a little more melody and not just shout out the power notes. I think she’s going to be the second best of the night, and it’s all downhill from here. I hope they prove me wrong.

I wonder if they drew straws for the duets, because it’s definitely an interesting choice to put the two weakest and the two strongest rock singers together.

Kris Allen & Danny Gokey – Renegade – Stix
It starts out with really weak solos from each guy, but then their harmonies sound really great together. Danny takes the first few verses and though he sings on key, his voice isn’t quite big enough for the song. Kris’ is even thinner. They should have just sung the whole song at the same time, because that part sounds good! Until the end… Ouch! Randy totally agrees with me (Yo Dawg!). Kara repeats Randy. Paula kisses both their butts because the sight of the two of them on stage makes her tongue melt. Simon tells them Danny was better. He kind of was, but not that much better!

Kris Allen – Come Together – Beatles
Kris wants to pee his pants he’s so excited to be playing with Slash. Who wouldn’t?! It’s just too awesome for words. His performance is awesome. I don’t even care what the judges have to say. He rocks it out, doesn’t reach beyond his abilities, has fun playing the guitar and made a good song choice. Bullseye! Randy gives him props for bringing out the rock in him. Kara punches him in the face. Paula blathers so I can’t even hear her anymore. Simon totally does not have my back tonight. You’re of no use to me, Cowell.

Danny Gokey – Dream On – Aerosmith
Based on the rehearsal it looks like Danny is seriously going to choke tonight. Also, I’m not sure if dressing like a banker is the best way to embody the genre of rock ‘n’ roll. He looks totally awkward and out of place on the stage and within the song itself. It’s like the whole time he’s thinking ahead to the big high notes at the end and forgetting where he is in the performance. The end comes crashing down all around him like the giant metal American Idol column. Good Lord that was awful. I think I spied a headless Teamster running off to the med tent. The judges sugarcoat their negative critics like he can’t handle the truth. Simon calls it out for what it was and redeems himself (in my eyes) once again. He sure has an interesting way of doing that.

Allison Iraheta & Adam Lambert – Slow Ride – Foghat
Strum, Strum, Strum… Slow ride… Strum, Strum, Strum… Take it easy…
Warning! Slow Ride will never sound the same after learning how to play Guitar Hero to that song. Strum, Strum, Strum. This is the weirdest duet I have ever seen. They each just stand there and do nothing while waiting for their turn. They are not singing together at all, and their harmonies can’t even touch Danny and Kris. (Did I really just type that? Hard to believe, eh?) It’s more competition than working together to make the song greater than the sum of its parts. Randy used to play in Foghat or something because he loves it. Kara and Paula love it as well. Simon? Don’t leave me hanging… Oh, (insert sound of something falling). All four judges leave me to reevaluate my very existence. At least as it relates to recapping this show.

What did you think?

Bottom Three: Allison, Danny & Kris
Top Three: Adam, Allison & Kris
(see what I did there?)

Top 7 Perform… Disco?

Starting out tonight’s show we get to relive Matt’s unprecedented save on Idol. Let’s hope he doesn’t fuck it up tonight. Two will have to go home tomorrow leaving only 5 contestants. Are we here already? I never thought we’d make it.

THIS is A MER ican Idol

Apparently there is no guest judge this week. After the non-contributing zero that was Quinten Tarantino, perhaps they chucked the whole idea. I always have to brace myself for Disco Night, for some reason it just leads to bad things. Even on So You Think You Can Dance. Bottom line: no one shines on Disco Night. Will I be proven wrong? Not by Lil.

Lil Rounds – I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan
Lil stays on stage as the other Idols file out so we can get a good gander at her amazing jumpsuit. She can definitely pull it off. The back up singers are singing the chorus better than Lil. It’s a bit jittery, and not very strong. Too much jumping around, but she looks slammin in her jumpsuit. I like sexy Lil. Finally she doesn’t look 40. Although the song dates her a bit. The judges eat her alive and then spit out her bling in disgust.

Kris Allen – She Works Hard For the Money – Donna Summer
Kris totally makes the song his own, but loses a little of the oomph in the translation. There’s a street walking tiger in there wanting to burst out, but he seems to hold in the reins a little bit. He’s so cute though. Hey Paula, “classy” is not the first word that pops into my head when I think of Santana. And if you want to call him ballsy for singing a woman’s song, don’t take it to the lingerie department of Bloomingdales. Underwear, what? Ryan wants to rub his nipples.

Danny Gokey– September – Earth, Wind and Fire
Finally he doesn’t sing a song about his dead wife and it sucks. Go Figure. Okay Danny, I will let you sing about her some more if you promise not to suck so bad.. Oh my ears. Lady judges love it, as do the male ones, begrudgingly.

Allison Iraheta – Hot Stuff – Donna Summer
Alison is also rockin a black skintight jumpsuit, but hers is pleather and sparkly… with a skirt. I don’t know this song, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to sound like, but right now it sounds like blah, blah, blah. Oh, hotstuffbabytonight. Way to change up the song, I guess? Allison has the most texture to her voice, which makes it interesting, but the song arrangement or whatever was totally off. Simon loved it though, because she’s dressed like a black woman.

Adam Lambert – If I can’t have you – Bee Gees
Adam as usual is perfect and brilliant and I think I’m starting to soften for the guy. What has happened to me in my old age? Aren’t we supposed to get more bitter as we age? I don’t know this song, but apparently some people are really attached to the original version, so there might be some minus points there. Oh, once again after a little YouTube search I totally know that song. What is it with me not recognizing these disco tunes? I guess it’s not my genre.

Matt Giraud – Staying Alive – Bee Gees
What’s up Justin Timberlake? It’s awesome. He really took his save seriously and brought his total A game tonight. I’m loving everything about this performance; it may be the only version of this song that doesn’t inspire dogs to start howling. Randy is dead to me. Oh, Kara too. Paula finally speaks up for the sane people (whaaa?) and gives Matt the props he deserves. Simon tells him he’s the worst idol ever and America scoffs in disdain. I hate you, Simon.

Ryan takes a moment to make sure coke gets their 10 million dollars worth.

Anoop Desai – Dim the Lights – Handsome
Anoop chooses a slow ballad-like song that could very well be from a movie. Even when the tempo picks up, I still feel like he’s singing at his great aunt’s 90th birthday, but no one minds because she’s so old she doesn’t know the difference. You can pluck the Idol out of MIT, but…. I’m really bored with this guy, he’s good vocally, but he doesn’t really have that star power. Simon totally has my back. I love you, Simon!

Next week only 5 Idols left to perform, whatever shall they do for filler?

Top 3 – Matt, Kris and Adam
Bottom 2 – Lil and Anoop

Top 8 Perform Some Stuff!

Another week of Idol, another week of Fun? This week is Baby Photo Week, also known as Sing a Song From the Year You Were Born Week. Since most of the contestants fall in the 1980-1992 range I was hoping for some awesome Hits of the 80’s, but maybe they are saving that for 80’s Night. Here’s to hoping!

Before we start the show we are subjected to baby photos of all the judges, just to make it fair and all. Randy is adorable in that precocious child wearing a bowtie way. Kara looks like she doodied in her diaper. Paula is at least 7 in her photo which raises a lot of questions that I won’t get into at the moment. Simon is also 7 in his photo, but dressed like a Trekkie and it’s awesome; laser gun and all. Last but not least Ryan has the most amazing buck teeth ever seen on a child in the history of the world. Paula wants to feed him carrots. Love!

Danny Gokey – Stand By Me – Ben E. King
Danny kicks off the night and I’m sighing at the prospect of another dedication to his dead wife. He surprises me (and all the other cynical asses out there) by singing this classic. Oh wait, this song isn’t about boys finding dead bodies in the woods, it’s about the night, and not being afraid, and please don’t leave me ever spirit of my dead wife. Damn you Gokey, I’ll get you for this. The song itself starts out terrible, kind of picks it up in the end but I don’t like his version. Danny’s got talent for sure, he just needs to stop being a complete tool. Paula is spewing nonsense, as well as nonsensical dancing. That was really not that good. Simon thinks its great. Boo!

Kris Allen – All She Wants To Do Is Dance – Don Henley
Is there something wrong with me? Or is this starting out as the worst night of Idol ever? Do I say that every week? Sorry. Kris wanted to grow up to be a Taxi Cab driver, which was my dream too! (for about a year, after watching Wynona Rider in Night on Earth) Perhaps if Kris became a singing taxi cab driver he would make a ton of money! He could be like a novelty person that they feature on some seldom watched TV show. He’s gotten a bit too confident after last week’s performance. This is way too cheesy. Plus this song sucks. And those drums and his mic skills are not helping him. Melodically Same Notes Song, Paula? Is that a genre of music I’m not familiar with? Really? Simon finally owns his own hotness. Woot!

Lil Rounds – What’s Love Got To Do With It – Tina Turner
Lil has got some pipes, and she looks REALLY good tonight. It’s the best performance so far, but I’m not loving it. This leaves a lot of room for Adam to steal the show. Simon calls it a ghastly copycat performance. Lil looks like she’s just had her heart cut out. Aw Lil, she makes me want to cry. But she does look hot tonight.

Anoop Desai – True Colors – Cindy Lauper
Anoop apologizes for being a fratty douchebag last week, and I’m not talking about his song. Anoop and I share the only child curse of having a million pictures taken of us as a kid. Once some people came over to my house and thought my parents had five daughters. FIVE! Ooof. What is he wearing? I’m pretty sure I also owned that cardigan in about the 5th grade. When did he get so nasally? Is that supposed to be an R&B version? I still kind of enjoyed it though. Go Figure.

Scott McIntyre– The Search Is Over – Survivor
Oh my Gosh. How awesome would it be if Scott came out and just started playing spooky Halloween music on the piano with some ghostly moaning and sudden screaming? (If I produced Idol I’m pretty sure only mental patients and those with tourettes would watch it) In the real world he starts out pretty good with him on the mic, and completely falls apart when the band kicks it to high gear. Those high notes make me cringe. The music is completely discordant with his singing. Who is this in the audience? Hello! Scott totally has a hottie for a brother! Hubba hubba. Hope you are still here next week, Hot Brother!

Allison Iraheta – I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt
Allison definitely went through some serious style phases as a child. Unfortunately what she’s wearing these days isn’t much better. Only a very slight improvement over last week, but she sounds GREAT! She’s got the total Bonnie Raitt voice without sounding like an imitation. Amanda Obermeyer could take a lesson or two from little Allison. Here come the Kelly Clarkson comparisons.

Matt Girard – Part Time Lovers – Stevie Wonder
My gracious friend Scott pointed out the mole on Matt’s forehead to me last night, and now I can’t stop staring at it. Thanks for that Scottie! Holy baby Forhead! (minus the mole) He’s so adorable. Oh good, he’s wearing a hat. This is pretty good. I like his interpretation, and the scatting didn’t suck. The judges are shitting their pants, which I find kind of funny. But I also thinks he totally deserves it.

Adam Lambert – Mad World – Tears for Fears
Who is that freckley redheaded kid? He’s so cute. What happened? This song totally reminds of something that I can’t put my finger on*. He looks like he’s sitting in the chair because he has to crap. Not sure if the surfer chic hairdo really suits him. He performs the song really well. It’s just about perfect for his range and his voice. However I don’t think he deserved a standing O from Simon. I thought Matt and Allison were better tonight.

Top 3 – Allison, Matt & Adam
Bottom 3 – Scott, Danny & Kris

*Oh yes, Danny Darko. Thanks internets (Go Sparkle Motion!)

Top 9 Perform The Hits (and Some Misses)

Er Um, Hello? Am I late? I was planning to be here on time, I swear, but then I forgot my phone and got a flat tire and had to stop for a drink. While I was in the bar I misplaced my keys and then by the time I found them (in Las Vegas!) I went out to my car and someone had moved it to a different night spot. Top 9 is it? Have I missed much? So sorry. Let’s just pretend none of this ever happened and get on with the show.

Hello Idol Fans!

As we’ve established I’ve been out of the loop for a while, and after tonight’s performances I’m still not sure I’ve figured out what this season is all about. Tonight’s Top 9 have the song selection of Whatever You Want To Sing As Long As It Was Popular Once. For the most part I think tonight’s song selections were pretty good, but like any night on Idol there were some hits and some definite misses. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

Ryan introduces the Top 9 and from the quick pan of the camera down the line I’m a little worried they are going to be performing in a Fall Out Boy video. Luckily we are spared that catastrophe (and also any “tribute” Ford commercial in the same genre). We’ve also gone from two hours to an hour and a half, and that makes my job a little easier, but also means Ryan isn’t wasting any time getting to the singers, after a little side trip to his Top 40 radio studio, of course.

First up is Anoop singing Usher’s Caught Up. Ryan encourages him to bust out his “signature” moves and it’s hard to tell if he’s mocking him or not. But alas, that is the beauty of Ryan Seacrest. At first I think Anoop is wearing a backpack, possibly with a laptop in it, but turns out it is just a silver chain wrapped around his shoulder. Word. He tackles the song okay, but it’s hard to do Usher if you’re not Usher, and not a dancer. Or an R&B singer, despite your best efforts. The judges concede that he’s a great singer, but wrong song choice. Kara calls him a Frat boy involved in a hazing dare, and Simon calls it an utter mess.

Meghan chooses to sing one of her favorite songs; Turn Your Lights Down Low by Bob Marley as sung by Lauren Hill. I have a hard time watching Meghan, because she is so pretty and you can hear an amazing voice in there somewhere, but she really doesn’t know how to let it shine. She’s swallowing her words and sounds a bit indulgent of the genre. Side Bar: Fashion Tip! Don’t let the accessory department just throw a bunch of necklaces at you as you walk by. Also, a pooch can be kind of sexy on the right type of woman, but don’t try to strap it in a corset. The judges are disappointed right along with me, unsure if Meghan is long for this competition.

Danny sings Rascal Flat’s What Hurts the Most. He has GOT to stop singing these songs. I feel for him, I really do, but if you’re going to build your career on Songs That Sound Like I’m Singing About My Dead Wife you are going to lose a lot of your audience. He’s like a Method singer, and has got to branch out into something else, IMHO. Of course the judges eat it up and think it’s his best performance to date. I just thought it was okay. I have yet to catch the Danny fever I guess.

Now it’s time for my favorite Idol, Alison! She tackles No Doubt with Don’t Speak, one of my favorite songs of all time. I love Alison, so I’m a little biased, but I think she is miles ahead of most of the competition. Not sure how I feel about the Fiesta on her head, but I can forgive that (and the white strappy non boots) in favor of her amazing talent. The judges say as much.

Scott is at the piano again with Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel. His performance is great, but he’s still not stepping out into spotlight. The judges think he’s taken it to a new level, but I have a hard time seeing it, probably because I’ve been keeping up with Idol on illegal YouTube videos. I find it a bit boring and he seems a bit flat. However, he’s definitely going to garner some votes with the judges approval, so I think he’s safe this week.

Matt is one of the best singers in this competition. His voice is phenomenal and he just seems like a sweet nice guy. He tries to grunge it up this week with You Found Me by The Fray. I think it’s a little too current for him to really make it his own and it comes across as a bit of an imitation. I like his enthusiasm though. The judges think he’s uptight, and the performance was a put on. I see bottom three in his future, but I really, really hope he gets another chance. Damn you Top 40!

Lil decides to tackle the big leagues with Celine Dion’s I Surrender. She’s wearing someone else’s hair and a bit of a mess of an evening gown. Actually, with those arms she looks a bit like a transvestite. Although, I’ve never seen a Transvestite with awesome booty like that. The song starts out a bit shaky, but when she hits her stride she really hits it. Her pipes are amazing and she has the mouth of a diva for sure. The judges would like to see her do something a little younger, and I agree. Maybe she should sing a little Usher! Her kids are adorable though; Ryan just can’t stay away.

Next up is the most confusing Idol contestant of all time: Adam. He’s some kind of awesome, but also scares the crap out of me. He will be singing Play That Funky Music White Boy by Wild Cherry. He’s rocking some kind of Eddie Munster in the head region, and I’m beginning to wonder if tonight’s theme was really Wig Night. He sings the crap out of the song, and I get the feeling that he’s just one nervous breakdown away from being as nutso as James Brown. Show us your splits!

The show ends with my favorite performance of the night with Kris singing Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone by Bill Withers. He’s adorable and soulful and I love him. His rendition of the song reminds me of David Gray, one of my favorite performers of all time. If you get the chance to see him live, you must! I’m greatful to Kris for tipping the scales of the night away from zzzzzzzzzzzzzz and in the direction of hope. Hope for Kris, hope for Season 8, hope for humanity as a whole! Did I mention I love Kris? (Sorry Alison, I think you’ve been unseated!)

Top 3: Kris, Alison & Adam (I think Danny got edged out this week)

Bottom 3: Anoop, Matt G (please let me be wrong!) & Meghan

David VS David

It’s 8:45 on Tuesday night, my family has just gone home from the BBQ I invited them to.  I’ve got my PJ’s on and I’m curling up on my couch to dig into the last episode of Idol I will watch this season.  I press the button on my remote to bring up my DVR list.  I find tonight’s episode of Idol and hit play and….  David Cook is in the middle of his 3^rd song.  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?  I am royally screwed.  Luckily with the invention of the internet and a little site called youtube.com I was able to cobble together the rest of the night’s performances to bring you my last roundup.  In a way I found it fitting, seeing as how I was getting really burnt out on the contestants, and the David vs. David showdown was so predictable, and I don’t anticipate anyone blowing my mind in their final performances.  But I sacrificed my morning at work (or “work”, if you will), did my research and diligently took notes, so here it is.

 

Tuning in, as I did, at the end of David Cook’s last performance I notice that Ryan’s mascara is totally smeared and runny.  What have I missed?  It’s like a detective novel written backwards, where you know the crime, but travel back in time to figure out who dunnit.  Who made Ryan cry?!?!  Justice will be served!  But, I am afraid that without HDTV I will never know. 

 

I thought about writing this backwards, from back to front (in a similar fashion to which I read magazines) to sort of build the suspense and surprise everyone with the madcap ending.  But in the end I decided it didn’t make much sense.  Seeing as how I’d already seen the judges hand the night to Archuletta on a silver platter, there really wasn’t much anticipation to be built by working backwards.  American Idol is no Momento (Lordy, that movie made my brain tired).

 

Apparently the night was built up around some boxing theme, which I have to say I am not sorry I missed.  Youtube.com provided me with some judge’s feedback, but a lot of the fluff was left out.  Sorry Ryan!  [Ed note:  This will not make the roundup any shorter]

 

Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:

 

David Cook – Clive Davis, who I kind of thought was already dead, has chosen the first song for each David tonight.  For Cook he picks I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2, which is a decent song, but not a very challenging one.  Hell, I can sing this song, and I am not a good singer.  So I’m looking for a little something different, which Cook doesn’t really deliver.  He starts off kind of whiny and over emotional, then it drops out a bit and it seems like he’s texting it in, all “Only 2bw/u”.  Once he steps out into the audience it kind of picks up and even though I felt like I already watched Cook win this competition last week with his rendition of the Armageddon song in all its glory, I am getting the tummy butterflies again.  But… is it enough?

 

David Archuletta – Clive saddles Archuletta with Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John.  And I say “saddles” because Elton John is nearly impossible to sing.  I think that’s why they’ve never had him as a “mentor”, because his songs would destroy about 89% of the contestants ever to appear on this show and those who have attempted him on their own weren’t good enough for me to remember.  (Or maybe he was a mentor and the contestants got totally destroyed, but I think I would remember that).  I think it’s a little underhanded of the producers, handing Archuletta a vehicle to really excel at whereas with Cook it was more like “let’s see what you can do with this”.  Archuletta does a really amazing job with this song, and I think the judges are absolutely correct that it was possibly his greatest performance on the show.  But it’s still Archuletta, so… whatever.

 

Next up:  Contestants choice from the songwriting contest entries.  That seems really convoluted.  Does that mean whoever wins Idol gets to essentially pick the songwriting competition winner?  Is this the song that will be their first single?  I have so many questions.  None of which are about to be answered.

 

David Cook – I think this song is called “Dream Big” which is about the dumbest title of a song I have ever heard.  It sounds like the advice on one of those slips of paper you pull out of a “dream jar” once a day to inspire your life.  Gross.  Anyway, despite sounding like the theme song for a television program about 20 somethings verging on 30 somethings, Cook tries his best, but in the end the song kind of blows.  He carries it all right, and even hits some amazing notes in an amazing way, but he doesn’t quite kill it.  I blame the song.  Meanwhile, Kelly Clarkson’s ghost whispers “Suck on this” while signing the lyrics to A Moment Like This from backstage. (You know you still know the words to that song, don’t judge me).

 

David Archuletta – Archuletta’s song, entitled In This Moment, is a little bit better musically than David’s (I’m not formulating plots for sitcoms in my head), but it’s a terrible, unmarketable genre, much like Archuletta himself. (There is a reason there is only one Josh Groban)  He’s struggling with the words and the phrasing and is so dull in everyway that Archuletta is always dull.  It may be a better performance than Cook’s, but this song is NOT getting played on KIIS FM, I can tell you that right now.  I don’t care how much Ryan uses his influence to get it on the rotation.  The judges love it and praise him up and down and Randy tells him, AGAIN, that he could sing the phone book and it would still be awesome.  And even though I know what is coming, I kind of wish Arhculetta would sing the phone book.  Just to prove how not-awesome it would be and Shut Up! already, Judges.  (Randy: “Yo! That was just alright for me, Dawg.” Paula: You shine like a shiny star that… rainbows are pretty… puppies!”  Simon: “I’ve never heard that terrible song before in my life”)

 

Ryan takes a moment to tell us tickets are selling fast for the idol tour, but I don’t believe it for a second.  Five years ago I went to a Jimmy Eat World show and some FOX shlub  was walking around with hundreds of Idol Tour tickets.  He couldn’t give that shit away.

 

David Cook – For his final song (contestant’s choice) David is singing The World I Know by Collective Soul.  (This is where I tuned in the first time).  I don’t know this song, but I am definitely digging it.  He’s back in his sensitive rocker mode. However, it’s not as off putting this time as in the past.  Perhaps because he does not have another message from his “dream jar” stenciled on the palm of his hand.  The judges tell him he did a good job, but don’t fall over themselves praising him.  Simon compliments him, then takes him down a notch, then winks at him, so who the hell knows what is going on.  I think Simon knows he will win, but can’t come out and say it because then there will be no suspense tomorrow night.  Cook gets a little teary at the end and I find myself getting a little teary because I can tell that he’s just happy to be there and this isn’t about winning for him anymore but it should be because he is totally going to. 

 

David Archuletta – For his final song David chooses to sing Imagine, again.  I see the appeal in repeating your best performance of the season in one last ditch attempt to be phenomenal, but I find it kind of a cop out.  I know (also from youtube) that Archuletta has been singing this song since he was still at his mother’s teat (no they don’t show that part on youtube) so for me it doesn’t really demonstrate any growth or diversity in his abilities.  He sings it as well as all the other times he’s sung it, but I don’t really thing he deserves to be declared the winner at this time, Judges.  (I’m really having an issue with them tonight, aren’t I?  And I didn’t even see the whole show…)

 

Walk of Shame:  Sorry Archuletta, I know the screaming girls are mobbing you constantly, and the judges just want to carry you around in their pockets, but when it comes to mass appeal in America, and making albums that will actually get sold, I’m handing this victory to Cook.

 

Before I leave you all I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read my posts and pass them around to their friends.  Thanks for your support and your comments (both public and private) and an extra special thank you to “Tom” for posting a link to my blog on a very busy site and kind of blowing my mind with the number of visitors.  It’s been really fun, but I’m kind of glad it’s over.  Sort of like that delicious cake you just had to eat, but after the 10^th slice you’ve kind of got a tummy ache and are craving some vegetables.  I will keep you posted on any future endeavors, and you might just check back here now and then for some random thoughts.  Thanks again to everyone, you’re the best!

Are We There Yet?

It’s getting down to the nitty gritty and I don’t think there will be too many any surprises from here on out.  It’s been 7 episodes since I picked the loser correctly, so thank you Jason, for not making it 8.   Even though I wish you were still here instead of one person in particular.  But we’ll get to that later.  On with the show!

 

This week the idols are singing 3 songs:  (A feat Jason wasn’t sure he could handle, and perhaps a warning the remaining contestants should have minded) Judge’s pick, Idol’s pick & Producer’s pick.  Paula is choosing a song for David A., because they are both girls.  Randy is choosing a song for Syesha, because they both have “soul”.  And Simon is choosing a song for David C., because they are both douche bags. 

 

Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:

 

David Archuletta – First up, Mayor of the Mustaches reads David A. a letter from Paula.  She must have been drunk when she wrote it, because the slurring translates through the letter into something that sounds like “Dar Mar Schnard”.  She’s picked some treacley number from Billy Joel.  Even with my notes I can’t remember what this performance was like, except that there was some eye closing.  Bad David!  It’s boring and predictable and even though I don’t know this song it was like I could anticipate every word and change of phrase.  Blah.

 

Syesha Something or Other – Randy picks Alicia Keys for Syesha because what else would a young black chick sing?  Syesha mumbles through the verses and then tries to make up for it by belting out the chorus.  Randy thinks it’s awesome, but I think Randy needs his head checked.  Paula tells her she looks nice (we all know what that means) and Simon pans her.  It was good while it lasted Syesha, but I think it’s over for you.

 

David Cook – Simon has picked Roberta Flack for David in hopes that he would do something original with it.  Considering he’s white, that may be enough for Simon?  I don’t know.  Watching this performance was confusing.  What the heck is going on?  Is this off key?  Is this kind of awesome?  I can’t tell!  He finally starts to rock it out with two lines left in the chorus and then it ends.  Just like last week.

 

I would like to take this intermission to note that Paula is slurring very nicely tonight.  And she is also dressed like one of the black Storm Troopers.  Minus the bubble helmet.

 

David Archuletta – In an attempt to be “hip” and “fly” (words he undoubtedly heard in LA) David attempts to woo all the “shorties” with his rendition of Chris Brown’s With You. (What is this “Boo” you sing of?)  I was kind of excited for him, because it’s not often this genre of music winds up on this show.  However, I was also totally embarrassed for him by the end.  He kind of bops around and gets really breathy and can’t quite carry the attitude.  Sorry, David, You Got Served. 

(It makes me feel even whiter just typing this shit). 

 

Syesha Something or Other – Wearing her 5^th sparkly dress of the show (yes, I’m counting), Syesha’s choice of song is Fever, complete with Prop Chair and Lone Man Playing Instrument.  Remember this is Idol’s choice and I find it interesting that left to her own devices she immediately reverts back to musical theatre.  Does she have no idea what this show is about?  Perhaps “American Pop Superstar” does not translate properly in Klingon.  I can already see the words “cabaret” forming on Simon’s lips before the music starts.  She writhes around on the chair and molests the musician with her skirt hemmed up to Jesus and then thankfully it’s over. 

 

David Cook – So what kills me about David is just because he’s a “rocker” on a pop show, doesn’t mean no one is familiar with “rock” music.  Is the audience comprised solely of musically retarded individuals?  Maybe, but to act all shocked when people have heard of a somewhat popular mediocre rock band from a mid-sized city is just pushing the “What? You guys are into rock?” envelope a little too far in my taste.  In David’s defense I will say I am glad he’s not exploiting the sympathy over his brother for personal gain, because you know Syesha would be all over that shit.  Anyway, this song would be about 10 times cooler if he was playing the mandolin right now, but he’s doing a pretty kick ass job at it.  Once again he really starts rokken it and then it’s over.  Even Paula notices.

 

And now it’s time for the Producer’s choice.  I wish they showed Nigel Lithgow being all pervy with the contestants.  You know David A. would make him sweat, but he’d totally find excuses for rubbing up on Syesha.  Move over, Neil Diamond!

 

David Archuletta – For David’s song the producers have chosen every song David has ever sung in this competition all rolled into one.  In my mind, Dan Fogelberg is for sitting around a campfire strumming a guitar that is missing a string while trying not to choke on the smoke that is blowing right in your eye.  I miss camping!!  It’s perfect and boring, just like all the other performances.  Randy and I are in the same boat when he runs out of things to say about David.  He fakes some enthusiasm and musters up some finger guns.  Pow-pow!

 

Syesha Something or Other – Maybe Randy could shoot Syesha with those finger guns.  Except for instead use real guns.  I’ve never heard this song before, but it is terrible.  Apparently it is about penguins?  So she decided to dress like a penguin?  And instead of waddling around she decides to shake her hips a whole bunch to dislodge that other ovary?  I don’t know.  It’s a total mess and I think I can see what little light ever shown in her eyes dying a slow death.  Syesha just tanked really, really hard and I cannot say I am sorry.

 

David Cook – FUCK YEAH!  This is going to be awesome!  Don’t let me down my 2^nd choice winner!  I secretly believed in you all along!  I’m sorry I thought you were a creepy tool!  All I had to hear was the opening notes of this song and I actually got excited by a performance on Idol for the first time in about 8 weeks.  I even watched this performance twice, people.  TWICE!  I won’t say he knocked it out of the park, but it was the most totally awesome performance of the night, maybe even the month.  I’ve got your back, David!  Don’t let me down.

 

No Walk of Shame this week.  It’s fairly obvious who the final two will be.  The internets have been gunning for predicting a David vs. David showdown pretty much since the top 10.  I hope they give us a finale worthy of all the commercials we are going to have to sit through next week. 

 

Oh wait, some of us have DVR!  Sweet.

American Idol Roundup – Now with Pictures!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame:  Lots of famous musicians donated their stuff to a museum.  Some of them have their picture on the wall.  Ryan ponders who of the Top 4 might find their face in the hall of fame.  If the Universe is truly good, Ryan, none of them.  Do you have any idea how much more excited I would be about this Top 4 if I was looking at Carly, Kristy Lee, Michael Johns and pre-breakdown Brooke right now?  Ok, if you’ve been reading this blog for more than 3 minutes you probably do.  I don’t know what happened to this season, but from the Top 7 it’s all been downhill.  

 

Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:

 

David Cook – David chooses the Duran Duran song that reminds me of every 80’s movie I’ve ever seen, as well as stalkers.  I feel like the creepy molester jokes are kind of tapped out.  Oh wait!  One more!  He does a pretty good job with it, but sings it pretty straight.  Simon is not impressed that he didn’t do an “original” version like all those other times he did “original” versions.  David C. is the least odious of the contestants left, but his stink-o-meter rating is still pretty high in my book.  What would it take for this guy to really connect with the audience and get out of his singing into my hair brush in front of my full length mirror schtick?

 

Syesha Something or Other – Can’t figure out if I can see the shadow of Syesha’s underwear through her dress (as if it wasn’t stage tested in advance) or if it’s just a motley of shiny colors that doesn’t hold a candle to her last shiny dress.  She intros that she was intimidated to do this Tina version of someone else’s song, but all it took was a look in the mirror and some wind up her own ass and she was ready to go.  I don’t know why the judges think Syesha is getting better.  She had a few moments in the last week or two, but this is no different for me than her performances early in the season.  All big notes she has to strain to get to and no feeling.  Maybe it’s the hair.  I don’t know.  She shakes her hips around like her ovaries are about to slither out and inseminate themselves.  I guess this is her new tactic?  Distract them with her sexuality so they don’t notice her singing hasn’t changed?  It will probably work, mostly on Simon.

 

Jason Castro – Jason is outright slurring his words in his intro.  Perhaps he has a drinking problem instead of a pot problem.  HAHAHAHAHA  that was funny.  He’s doing Bob Marley for chrissake.  Good Luck with that Jason.  I kind of dig that he got up there and took that on, but Simon was right that it was atrocious.  He doesn’t tell him to pack his bags yet, but you can tell Simon is so over this guy and if he wins everything Simon stands for will go down the toilet.  He’s like Simon’s Clay Aiken of the season.  But hey, now Clay is staring in Spamalot and has his second original album in 5 years coming out and is very bloated.  So take THAT, Simon. 

 

David Archuletta – Back to singing in your bedroom…  David claims he’s never performed this song before, except while alone, in his bedroom, with his dog.  Oh David, that just makes me sad.  (I read an article last week about Idol song selection in EW and let me just say that David’s dad frightens me.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he locked David in there for singing about women or something).  David is also wearing a v-neck t-shirt which he does not have enough chest hair to pull off.  Just ask Simon.  I guess the song is okay, you know the judges are going to love it.  But the back up singers and the screaming girls and the Sean Kingston lyrics slipped in there to “modernize” it just make me a little nauseous.  I need some fresh air.

 

David Cook – David sings one of my favorite Who songs, but it’s really supposed to be 5 minutes long and condensing it down to 1.5 minutes kind of killed the song.  Just when the guitars were coming up and the drums start pounding away it’s time to take it back down and then it….  ends.  Oooof.  Like MJ trying to squeeze Queen into the same time frame, it just doesn’t really gel.  I think he performed the song okay, and it was one of my favorites of the night.  The judges think Archuletta is better, but I think America will disagree.  Right, America? 

 

 

Syesha Something or Other – Syesha pulls out all the big guns for her final performance of the night. (But not, I am afraid, her final performance on the show).  She shows her usual modesty and humbleness by equating making the Idol Top 4 to the Civil Rights Movement in significance and importance in history.  Well, her history at least.  She pretty much lays out everything I can’t stand about her in 2 short minutes and I’ve already tuned out the rest of her performance.  Randy doesn’t love it, Paula and Simon (the ones most affected by boobs) thought it was brilliant.  She then has the audacity to burst into tears at the end of her performance because she feels like she’s standing up there singing about Civil Rights but really she’s just singing so that people will applaude for her and also I think she’s hoping to turn this into a wet t-shirt contest.  You would win that Syesha, does that make you feel better?

 

Jason Castro – For his second rock ‘n’ smoke song of the evening Jason chooses to sing Bob Dylan’s Mr. Tambourine Man.  On a personal note, I love Bob Dylan songs, but don’t really love Bob Dylan as a performer; it’s all a bit too much for me with the gruffness and the voice that sounds like cigarettes, scotch and insomnia.  So I thought Jason started off great and I liked his sharp version of the song…  until he forgot the words.  Oh Jason.  How hard is it to remember ‘jingle jangle morning’?  The judges rip him a new one and Simon finally tells him to pack his bags.  I bet Jason can’t wait to get home and light up a big fatty. 

 

David Archuletta – David, in all his naiveté, chooses maybe the most boring Elvis song ever.  Well, that would be a tough contest, song writing wise.  Seeing as how Elvis hardly wrote any of his own songs, all his hits really depended on Elvis the Performer and Legend.  You take that away and you are kind of left with, well…  this.  He tries to keep his eyes open, but just ends up looking squinty through the song.  The tweeners in the front row go ape shit and the judges pat his fuzzy little head and David looks shocked that an adult is pleased with him and that’s the end of the show, folks.

 

Only 2 more weeks of mediocre performances and hilarious morning after observations left!  Buckle your seatbelts, you don’t want to spill your martini.

 

Walk of Shame:  Jason and Syesha.  Who will join Syesha in the bottom two next week?  Stay tuned!

Double the Diamond

 

Question:  Who owns more sparkly shirts than Neil Diamond?

Answer:  Nobody, that’s who.  Well, maybe your Guido cousin from Long Island.

 

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see Neil mentoring the remaining Top 5 in his stage gear.  Instead he wears a leather jacket and looks like your high school history teacher/coach.  Oh, Neil.  Except for the beer belly at least he’s looking like your hot teacher.  I’m really excited that they are doing two songs tonight, the 1 hour show time led me to believe we would be hearing only one song, and sitting through even longer soul sucking interviews where we get to “know” the contestants.  On to the music!

 

Top 5 line up – Who’s that short girl with the black hair?  Oh, it’s Syesha sans shoes and having been attacked by a flat iron.  Good lord.  I hope I don’t have to look at her next week.

 

Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:

 

Jason Castro (take 1) – Some may think it’s cute, your whole snafu of reading the lyrics to the second song while trying to sing the first, but I’m just concerned for you when you smack yourself in the head with that giant gold ring.  Jason starts out well on the low notes.  I actually kind of like his performance of this awesome song.  It’s less breathy and la la la than his other performan…  whoops, there he goes.  Back to the breathy come hither to my dorm room antics.  Oh Jason.  Overall it was pretty kicky for Jason.  But I’m wondering why he only went for Blue Jeans and not the whole Texas Tuxedo.  Isn’t that his state uniform?

 

David Cook (take 1) – David Cook gives Neil Diamond goose bumps.  But Neil doesn’t elaborate if they are of the ‘inspired singing’ variety or the ‘did it just get really cold in here? I think perhaps someone is standing behind me with a knife’ variety.  I’m going to assume it is the later.  David sounds pretty good in rehearsal, I will admit, but it’s not as good on stage.  It’s too angry and off key for Neil Diamond.  And what’s with the initials AC plastered everywhere?  Is that for his brother with brain cancer?  That’s just…  well, okay, I can’t make jokes about brain cancer.  Next!

 

Brooke White (take 1) –The Shiny Happy People hat does not fit well over Brooke’s giant hair.  She’s singing I’m a Believer and it’s not that much different than her Here Comes the Sun on Beatles night.  There’s way too much grinning and attempted “dancing” and she even throws another “whooo” in there.  (Apparenlty her pants were very sparkley though!) You’d think she would have learned her lesson the first time.  American Idol is not the venue where you try and get people to throw dollar bills in your guitar case.  She’s kind of drowning in the song and at this stage in the game needs to be giving it about 110% more. 

 

(And now we see Paula standing up and dancing in her prom dress, like the wallflower who was so excited to go to the dance, but didn’t have a date, so she decided to go anyway, because who needs a date? but really she is crying on the inside.)

 

David Archuletta (take 1) – I don’t know if I can take seriously a performance of this song that does not feature dueling pianos and a crowd of drunk people swaying along in the background.  I mean, that’s the whole purpose of this song!  Other than that I don’t have much more to say about David at this time.  He’s David.  He’s good.  He still won’t win.  The End.

 

Seyesha Something or Other (take 1) – Neil Diamond wants to hug Syesha’s boobies.  Oh, no.  He’s that teacher!  But that’s okay, because he’s Neil Diamond!  Anyway, I’m trying to think of things to say so I don’t have to talk about Syesha’s performance.  She’s all smiles and chipper for a song about a sad person wanting to get their lover back.  Her emotional void is sucking my soul out.  And she has no shoes on.  Ew.  She’s totally a musical theatre nerd slash alien.

 

Intermission: where Ryan asks the judges for a quick run down on the first round.  Paula kind of effs the whole thing up when she starts talking about Jason’s second song that he hasn’t even sung yet.  Maybe Paula’s drugs allow her to see the future.  If that was the case I would refrain from making fun of her any more*.   Everyone shuts Paula down pretty quickly and then Simon tells the idols they stink.  Commercials!

 

(I think this show really stands out from other reality shows in that it fails to deal with or address the weird things going on that are so obvious to everyone.  Paula’s drug problem?  David Hernandez’s career tea bagging old dudes in a pizza joint?  Carly and KLC’s record deals?  We all know about these things, and they are fairly obvious to anyone who pays any attention to the media surrounding this show, but when they get even a little bit close to coming to the surface Ryan is all “Hey, look over here! I’m flirting with Simon and my hair is so shiny!!”) (I love you, Ryan.  Please don’t leave the show.)

 

Jason Castro (take 2) – ZZzzzzz  huh..  oh, what?  He started?  I am totally bored with Jason.  He is kind of the personification of my pot smoking career.  It was fun for like 2 weeks and then it was just boring and lame.  He STILL needs to step it up!  Maybe he should start doing coke.  Just kidding!  Drugs are bad! except for Xanax.  (Confidential to Wavy Arm Girls: Go home.)

 

David Cook (take 2) –  David sings the 2^nd “unknown” song of the night (he sang the other one first) and to me it sounds just like the last one; I can’t differentiate between the two.  It goes pretty well until the creep stare comes out at the end.  No, I won’t rub the lotion on!  The judges go absolutely ape shit for his performance, which I don’t understand at all.  Did you slip a recording contract into that tongue bath, SIMON?  Ughhh. 

 

Brooke White (take 2) – Brooke is back behind the piano and back in top form (or her “niche” as some people might call it).  If she could tap this, bottle it and drink it every week before performance she could win this competition.  It’s her strongest performance since Let It Be, which is kind of sad since that was 7 weeks ago, but at least she brings it.  I don’t know if it’s enough to save her this week, but I’m thankful we avoided the mental breakdown for at least one more day.

 

David Archuletta (take 2) – David is way too small for this song, and I don’t just mean physically.  This is Neil’s Kung Pow Karate Chop Stand Up and Kick Something song and is quite a big performance to take on.  But it’s about God Blessing something (in this case America) so of course he had to pick it.  If only KLC had been here this week to sing it instead.  With her “I’m fucked anyway” attitude I think she would have blown the lid of this song.  And then for the season finale she would have tortured some terrorists!  In her cowboy boots!  I never thought I’d miss you Kristy Lee, but I do. 

 

Syesha Something or Other (take 2) –Gahd!  Syesha is clapping along to her own song and rolling her eyeballs.  She sings this song like everyone is going to go ape shit for her awesomeness at any moment.  She’s grining and smiling and looking around like she’s trying to pinpoint where the applause and screaming are going to start.  When that doesn’t happen the Alien inside her is thinking “Curses! These Earthlings are more difficult than I anticipated…”

 

At this point in the night/season I may just be jaded or bored or ready to give up on Idol altogether.  I get the feeling the contestants kind of feel the same way.  For the most talented season of Idol EVER! I think the momentum is really slowing down, instead of speeding up as it should.  At this rate the season finale will feature Jason smoking a joint and David A. holding a baby. 

 

Walk of Shame:  Syesha (AGAIN!) & Jason

 

* For one week.