Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero?

No?  Well you are, American Idol!  Now THAT is an inspirational song!
 
I was really hoping tonight was Neil Diamond night, because I really want that to happen before there are only 4 contestants left, because, MAN!, I love me some Neil Diamond.
 
Instead it’s Inspirational Song Night and I think the producers should have told the kids what “inspirational” means because their choices are more “this song rocks my world” than “this song inspires me”.  I will say that the performances were pretty strong overall (even if I kind of hate every single contestant) and I’m going to have a heck of a time deciding who is going home.  I’m not even sure who the bottom three are!  (Although I haven’t exactly nailed that one on the head each week.  Those voters obviously don’t read my emails!)
 
Michael Johns – So tonight MJ starts the show by rocking some Aerosmith while wondering if you would like a baguette with your French Onion soup.  I loved that he went for the high notes, even if he didn’t quite nail it.  I thought it was a pretty kick ass performance, esp. for the IDOLS01 slot, but the judges decide to argue about whether this is a singing competition or a dreaming-on competition and then Ryan distracts everyone by talking about Simon’s nipples.  Great way to start the show guys!
P.S. Someone tell MJ that the cravat kind of went the way of dueling to the death, at around the same time. 
 
Syesha Something or Other – My goodness this woman rubs me the wrong way so badly I am raw.  Raw with anger and frustration and SUCK IT Syesha.  First she’s pissing me off by singing an American Idol song.  Good Lord.  Fantasia may not be my favorite Idol of all time, but she won the competition sweetie, which you will not, no matter how many power singers you try to impersonate.  Secondly, she’s got that goddamn emotional void shinning through the pretty kick-ass lyrics of the song, and even though she makes it to the end in one piece it’s so sorely lacking that Randy’s head kind of explodes again and the judges are a total mess tonight!  Well, maybe just Randy.
 
Jason Castro – Before you start, Jason, let me just say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song so don’t eff it up.  Ok, then?  Carry On…
I have to say that I’m not a huge fan of the Jack Johnson/Ben Harper school of bluesy guitar stoned surfer music but I kind of love this guy.  And I LOVE THIS SONG!  Thanks for not screwing it up.  Kiss kiss. 
 
Kristy Lee Cook – In her intro KLC preps us for her performance by explaining how she’s about to implement the strategy for success as described in the song she chose to sing tonight.  I think she’s figured out a jedi mind trick to use on the audience!  Then she sings a song about singing your heart out and if people don’t like it, you should just keep singing your heart out anyway and they can think you are a big stinking turd, but it just doesn’t matter because apparently they will vote for you anyway.  Assholes.
 
David Cook – Apparently David wasn’t quite finished with his pre-performance snack when the lights came up and the music started because he’s still swallowing his food and most of his words through the entire first verse of the song.  I’ve never heard of this band but it comes across that David thinks his rocker awesomeness is going to propel this band to stardom based on how awesomely he rocks this song and it’s just so shitty and sad that I don’t know what to do with myself.  And then he goes and becomes King of the Tools with that “give back” scrawled on his hand in goddamn sharpie to show just how sensitive this “rocker” can be.  To be honest with you, he makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. 
 
On a related note, don’t get me started on the hate I have for Idol Gives Back because there is going to be a whole hour of it tomorrow and if you’re lucky (or not so lucky) you might get to hear exactly what I think about it.  In detail.
 
Carly Smithson – For inspirational song week Carly would like to let you know that no matter how uplifting and inspirational her song choice she still would like to SMASH THINGS.  In her mom jeans slacks.  Oh Carly.  I don’t know why the stylist has it in for you so bad.  The hair is better this week, and the boobs look good and the arms are less noticeable, but the 8 tons of makeup caked on your face doesn’t make you look very young or fresh.  Carly rocks the Mercury, but she’s kind of lost something in her singing.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s somewhere between empty and strained.  I think she’s in trouble this week.
 
David Archuleta – When thinking about David Archuleta, I don’t think the phrase “crazy hot” would be the first to pop in my head, but thanks for that, RANDY. It makes me feel squicky.  Maybe you should ask Paula for a couple pills, you seem wound a little tight this evening.  Or maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, David sings at the piano a song I’ve heard once or twice, possibly in church (just kidding, I don’t go to church), but it’s about angels and flying high or something.  His dad sure knows how to pick his songs.  (Son, I think next week you should sing a song about joining hands and rising up.  You know, mix it up a little bit.)  His singing is spot on, but his performances are totally bleeding together into one big blob.  Less memorable and more oh-let-me-get-some-ice-cream-right-now-because-I-think-I-saw-this-last-week.
 
After another plug for Idol’s cloying, irrelevant, distracting and hate-inducing fundraiser that is Idol Gives Back, Ryan almost makes a random security guard piss herself.  And then feels kind of bad about it.  Hee hee.
 
Brooke White – It seems that Brooke confused performance night with bingo night because she walks out on stage in what can only be described as a mumu.  Maybe a trendy, expensive mumu, but a mumu none-the-less.  She sings a pretty classic, pretty cheesy song that isn’t what I would call “inspirational”, but it’s her best performance in a while and even though the judges almost make her cry on stage I thought it was pretty good.  Let’s hope it was good enough to keep her around!  I’m worried for her!
 
Overall the performances were pretty good last night, although I only really actually enjoyed one or two of them.  Just kidding!  I secretly enjoyed them all or else I wouldn’t have so much to say. Looky here, I can enjoy watching David Cook be a total tool while despising everything he’s trying to be.  It’s just how I am.
 
In tribute to this week’s theme I’m going to go for my dreaming-on picks as opposed to my singing picks (or size-of-fanbase weighted picks). 
 
Walk of Shame: David Cook, Carly and please oh please let it be Syesha.