Sunburnt Melons

Mariah Carey week!  Question: What are the hippies going to do?  I only know about 3 Mariah Carey songs, but I’m pretty sure none of them are performed with acoustic guitar.  However, I LOVE Mariah Carey in the way I love all celebrities who are totally off their rocker. 
 
I feel perhaps last week’s roundup was written by my other personality, who is apparently a raving lunatic.  This week I am going to take it down a notch, mostly because I thought last night was a big ol’ snore fest.  No one really lit a fire under me, nor was anyone really a disaster in that glorious American Idol train wreck sort of way.  I think this is the toughest week to pick the bottom 3, and I have NO idea who is going home.
 
[Sidebar. Re: the subject of this email.  Let me give you a little history:
Mariah Carey used to have amazing boobs.  They were so amazing in fact, that I was convinced there was no way they were fake.  Low and behold I find out that she totally had a boob job and my response was "get me the name of her surgeon!", because if I was ever going to get new boobs, they would HAVE to Mariah's.  Well, apparently Mariah's satisfaction with her breasts didn't last as long as my fascination with plastic surgery, because she went and got new ones at some point.  And they look new and hard and round and red and FAKE!  I no longer covet your boobs Mariah, I hope you are happy.] 
 
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
 
David Archuleta – If you were surprised by David’s song selection this week you have obviously been living in [insert area on the moon] for the last 5 weeks.  Of course he had to pick a Mariah song from a Disney movie; a Disney movie about the Bible.  Big frickin’ surprise.  The song was David’s unique brand of boring (see last 900 inspirational performances), but I was highly amused by the leather pants, tickled even.  Perhaps you must be at least 18 to wear leather pants in Utah and this was his adorable way of rebelling.
 
Carly Smithson -  I thought Carly finally looked good, although brightening up her color palette might help a little more.  I can’t recall much about her performance, which probably means she is in trouble this week.  This was not one of the songs I know, and I don’t think it really showed much personality from her.  Maybe if I knew the song I’d have something to go off of, but really I am at a loss.  I don’t actively dislike Carly as much as most of the other contestants on this show.  I wish the stylists were kinder to her, but I think she needs to bring it back.  No, not the Sexy.  The Personality.  Acutally, I’m kind of at a loss this week for all these people.  Let’s pick it up!
 
Seyesha Something or Other – I admit Seyesha’s solid gold dress is better than mine, and I am jealous.  However, she’s wearing really bad shoes.  So I have that going for me.  Which is nice.  I hate everything about this performance.  Except the dress.  But it’s not in my closet so I hate that part too. THE END.
 
Brooke White – Hooray!  This week Brooke is back!  She’s at the piano and her voice is great and she’s signing with passion!  She’s doing amazing!  The song is going well pretty good…  uh oh…  what is happening?  Why are you slowing down?  Why are you speeding up?  I’m not tall enough to ride the musical rollercoaster!  Come on Brooke, PULL IT TOGETHER! 
Oh dear.
 
Kristy Lee Cook – So tonight I realized that Kristy has a crush on Ryan (sorry Devo!).  Here I thought her little notes and smiles and self depreciating comments were because she was over this competition and she didn’t give a shit anymore so she was just having fun with it, but really, she loves Ryan!  Aw.  And you know what?  I do actually like her attitude, and I think not caring anymore really helped her in her last couple performances.  But she better watch herself with Ryan, dude schedules his days in 5 minute increments.  OCD has nothing on Ryan Seacrest.  Her hair looks awesome (weave alert!), but for the 4th time tonight I am completely not caring about the song or the performance.  Man this week is rough!
 
David Cook – I am just so embarrassed for David Cook it’s not gag-inducing anymore and is veering into sad and pathetic territory.  This song is not working for him and his sleepy eyes and monotone dead voice do not scream “rockstar!” as much as “serial killer!”. Oh!  It’s like I’m watching Dexter!  Now maybe I will like it a little better…  nope.  Dexter is way hotter.  (Now that MJ was unceremoniously and viciously (Way to GIVE BACK, Producers!) cut last week I have no more eye candy on this show).  Randy and Simon both praise his performance as original and awesome so they are obviously hitting the pipe.  Drugs are bad!  Just look at Paula.
 
(Actually, don’t look at Paula.  It just encourages her to open her mouth and let more verbal diarreah tumble out.  We’re on a schedule people!  My DVR does not tolerate overtime!)
 
Jason Castro – I loved Randy’s comment about background music at a Luau.  He actually made a Simon comment that wasn’t a poor imitation!  And Simon has never heard of a Luau!?  How uncultured.  I guess they both have last week’s awesome performance on the brain, but in different ways.  Hawaiian AND awesome!  I do like Jason a lot, but he has got to try something new.  I don’t know this song so I don’t know if it benefited from his stoned interpretation or not, but I do know I am getting very sleeeeeepy…..
 
To sum up:  The judges thought the Dudes rocked it and that the Davids stole the show.  However, I don’t think there was much of a show to be stolen.  And where is Neil Diamond??  The most I can hope for now is 6 Neil Diamond songs, and unlike Mariah I know at least 15 by heart.  Oh WAIT!  Maybe he will come when the contestants sing 2 songs!! That brings the possibilities back up to 12!  Ohpleaseohpleasepleaseohplease.
 
Parade of Shame:  Yooo-hooo!  Hellooooo?  Carly?  Brooke?  Is Jason in there?  Kristy?  Dare I hope for Seyesha?
As much as it kills me I think the David’s are the only ones who are definitely safe.  Damn.