Question: Who owns more sparkly shirts than Neil Diamond?
Answer: Nobody, that’s who. Well, maybe your Guido cousin from Long Island.
Unfortunately, we don’t get to see Neil mentoring the remaining Top 5 in his stage gear. Instead he wears a leather jacket and looks like your high school history teacher/coach. Oh, Neil. Except for the beer belly at least he’s looking like your hot teacher. I’m really excited that they are doing two songs tonight, the 1 hour show time led me to believe we would be hearing only one song, and sitting through even longer soul sucking interviews where we get to “know” the contestants. On to the music!
Top 5 line up – Who’s that short girl with the black hair? Oh, it’s Syesha sans shoes and having been attacked by a flat iron. Good lord. I hope I don’t have to look at her next week.
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
Jason Castro (take 1) – Some may think it’s cute, your whole snafu of reading the lyrics to the second song while trying to sing the first, but I’m just concerned for you when you smack yourself in the head with that giant gold ring. Jason starts out well on the low notes. I actually kind of like his performance of this awesome song. It’s less breathy and la la la than his other performan… whoops, there he goes. Back to the breathy come hither to my dorm room antics. Oh Jason. Overall it was pretty kicky for Jason. But I’m wondering why he only went for Blue Jeans and not the whole Texas Tuxedo. Isn’t that his state uniform?
David Cook (take 1) – David Cook gives Neil Diamond goose bumps. But Neil doesn’t elaborate if they are of the ‘inspired singing’ variety or the ‘did it just get really cold in here? I think perhaps someone is standing behind me with a knife’ variety. I’m going to assume it is the later. David sounds pretty good in rehearsal, I will admit, but it’s not as good on stage. It’s too angry and off key for Neil Diamond. And what’s with the initials AC plastered everywhere? Is that for his brother with brain cancer? That’s just… well, okay, I can’t make jokes about brain cancer. Next!
Brooke White (take 1) –The Shiny Happy People hat does not fit well over Brooke’s giant hair. She’s singing I’m a Believer and it’s not that much different than her Here Comes the Sun on Beatles night. There’s way too much grinning and attempted “dancing” and she even throws another “whooo” in there. (Apparenlty her pants were very sparkley though!) You’d think she would have learned her lesson the first time. American Idol is not the venue where you try and get people to throw dollar bills in your guitar case. She’s kind of drowning in the song and at this stage in the game needs to be giving it about 110% more.
(And now we see Paula standing up and dancing in her prom dress, like the wallflower who was so excited to go to the dance, but didn’t have a date, so she decided to go anyway, because who needs a date? but really she is crying on the inside.)
David Archuletta (take 1) – I don’t know if I can take seriously a performance of this song that does not feature dueling pianos and a crowd of drunk people swaying along in the background. I mean, that’s the whole purpose of this song! Other than that I don’t have much more to say about David at this time. He’s David. He’s good. He still won’t win. The End.
Seyesha Something or Other (take 1) – Neil Diamond wants to hug Syesha’s boobies. Oh, no. He’s that teacher! But that’s okay, because he’s Neil Diamond! Anyway, I’m trying to think of things to say so I don’t have to talk about Syesha’s performance. She’s all smiles and chipper for a song about a sad person wanting to get their lover back. Her emotional void is sucking my soul out. And she has no shoes on. Ew. She’s totally a musical theatre nerd slash alien.
Intermission: where Ryan asks the judges for a quick run down on the first round. Paula kind of effs the whole thing up when she starts talking about Jason’s second song that he hasn’t even sung yet. Maybe Paula’s drugs allow her to see the future. If that was the case I would refrain from making fun of her any more*. Everyone shuts Paula down pretty quickly and then Simon tells the idols they stink. Commercials!
(I think this show really stands out from other reality shows in that it fails to deal with or address the weird things going on that are so obvious to everyone. Paula’s drug problem? David Hernandez’s career tea bagging old dudes in a pizza joint? Carly and KLC’s record deals? We all know about these things, and they are fairly obvious to anyone who pays any attention to the media surrounding this show, but when they get even a little bit close to coming to the surface Ryan is all “Hey, look over here! I’m flirting with Simon and my hair is so shiny!!”) (I love you, Ryan. Please don’t leave the show.)
Jason Castro (take 2) – ZZzzzzz huh.. oh, what? He started? I am totally bored with Jason. He is kind of the personification of my pot smoking career. It was fun for like 2 weeks and then it was just boring and lame. He STILL needs to step it up! Maybe he should start doing coke. Just kidding! Drugs are bad! except for Xanax. (Confidential to Wavy Arm Girls: Go home.)
David Cook (take 2) – David sings the 2nd “unknown” song of the night (he sang the other one first) and to me it sounds just like the last one; I can’t differentiate between the two. It goes pretty well until the creep stare comes out at the end. No, I won’t rub the lotion on! The judges go absolutely ape shit for his performance, which I don’t understand at all. Did you slip a recording contract into that tongue bath, SIMON? Ughhh.
Brooke White (take 2) – Brooke is back behind the piano and back in top form (or her “niche” as some people might call it). If she could tap this, bottle it and drink it every week before performance she could win this competition. It’s her strongest performance since Let It Be, which is kind of sad since that was 7 weeks ago, but at least she brings it. I don’t know if it’s enough to save her this week, but I’m thankful we avoided the mental breakdown for at least one more day.
David Archuletta (take 2) – David is way too small for this song, and I don’t just mean physically. This is Neil’s Kung Pow Karate Chop Stand Up and Kick Something song and is quite a big performance to take on. But it’s about God Blessing something (in this case America) so of course he had to pick it. If only KLC had been here this week to sing it instead. With her “I’m fucked anyway” attitude I think she would have blown the lid of this song. And then for the season finale she would have tortured some terrorists! In her cowboy boots! I never thought I’d miss you Kristy Lee, but I do.
Syesha Something or Other (take 2) –Gahd! Syesha is clapping along to her own song and rolling her eyeballs. She sings this song like everyone is going to go ape shit for her awesomeness at any moment. She’s grining and smiling and looking around like she’s trying to pinpoint where the applause and screaming are going to start. When that doesn’t happen the Alien inside her is thinking “Curses! These Earthlings are more difficult than I anticipated…”
At this point in the night/season I may just be jaded or bored or ready to give up on Idol altogether. I get the feeling the contestants kind of feel the same way. For the most talented season of Idol EVER! I think the momentum is really slowing down, instead of speeding up as it should. At this rate the season finale will feature Jason smoking a joint and David A. holding a baby.
Walk of Shame: Syesha (AGAIN!) & Jason
* For one week.
