It’s getting down to the nitty gritty and I don’t think there will be too many any surprises from here on out. It’s been 7 episodes since I picked the loser correctly, so thank you Jason, for not making it 8. Even though I wish you were still here instead of one person in particular. But we’ll get to that later. On with the show!
This week the idols are singing 3 songs: (A feat Jason wasn’t sure he could handle, and perhaps a warning the remaining contestants should have minded) Judge’s pick, Idol’s pick & Producer’s pick. Paula is choosing a song for David A., because they are both girls. Randy is choosing a song for Syesha, because they both have “soul”. And Simon is choosing a song for David C., because they are both douche bags.
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
David Archuletta – First up, Mayor of the Mustaches reads David A. a letter from Paula. She must have been drunk when she wrote it, because the slurring translates through the letter into something that sounds like “Dar Mar Schnard”. She’s picked some treacley number from Billy Joel. Even with my notes I can’t remember what this performance was like, except that there was some eye closing. Bad David! It’s boring and predictable and even though I don’t know this song it was like I could anticipate every word and change of phrase. Blah.
Syesha Something or Other – Randy picks Alicia Keys for Syesha because what else would a young black chick sing? Syesha mumbles through the verses and then tries to make up for it by belting out the chorus. Randy thinks it’s awesome, but I think Randy needs his head checked. Paula tells her she looks nice (we all know what that means) and Simon pans her. It was good while it lasted Syesha, but I think it’s over for you.
David Cook – Simon has picked Roberta Flack for David in hopes that he would do something original with it. Considering he’s white, that may be enough for Simon? I don’t know. Watching this performance was confusing. What the heck is going on? Is this off key? Is this kind of awesome? I can’t tell! He finally starts to rock it out with two lines left in the chorus and then it ends. Just like last week.
I would like to take this intermission to note that Paula is slurring very nicely tonight. And she is also dressed like one of the black Storm Troopers. Minus the bubble helmet.
David Archuletta – In an attempt to be “hip” and “fly” (words he undoubtedly heard in LA) David attempts to woo all the “shorties” with his rendition of Chris Brown’s With You. (What is this “Boo” you sing of?) I was kind of excited for him, because it’s not often this genre of music winds up on this show. However, I was also totally embarrassed for him by the end. He kind of bops around and gets really breathy and can’t quite carry the attitude. Sorry, David, You Got Served.
(It makes me feel even whiter just typing this shit).
Syesha Something or Other – Wearing her 5th sparkly dress of the show (yes, I’m counting), Syesha’s choice of song is Fever, complete with Prop Chair and Lone Man Playing Instrument. Remember this is Idol’s choice and I find it interesting that left to her own devices she immediately reverts back to musical theatre. Does she have no idea what this show is about? Perhaps “American Pop Superstar” does not translate properly in Klingon. I can already see the words “cabaret” forming on Simon’s lips before the music starts. She writhes around on the chair and molests the musician with her skirt hemmed up to Jesus and then thankfully it’s over.
David Cook – So what kills me about David is just because he’s a “rocker” on a pop show, doesn’t mean no one is familiar with “rock” music. Is the audience comprised solely of musically retarded individuals? Maybe, but to act all shocked when people have heard of a somewhat popular mediocre rock band from a mid-sized city is just pushing the “What? You guys are into rock?” envelope a little too far in my taste. In David’s defense I will say I am glad he’s not exploiting the sympathy over his brother for personal gain, because you know Syesha would be all over that shit. Anyway, this song would be about 10 times cooler if he was playing the mandolin right now, but he’s doing a pretty kick ass job at it. Once again he really starts rokken it and then it’s over. Even Paula notices.
And now it’s time for the Producer’s choice. I wish they showed Nigel Lithgow being all pervy with the contestants. You know David A. would make him sweat, but he’d totally find excuses for rubbing up on Syesha. Move over, Neil Diamond!
David Archuletta – For David’s song the producers have chosen every song David has ever sung in this competition all rolled into one. In my mind, Dan Fogelberg is for sitting around a campfire strumming a guitar that is missing a string while trying not to choke on the smoke that is blowing right in your eye. I miss camping!! It’s perfect and boring, just like all the other performances. Randy and I are in the same boat when he runs out of things to say about David. He fakes some enthusiasm and musters up some finger guns. Pow-pow!
Syesha Something or Other – Maybe Randy could shoot Syesha with those finger guns. Except for instead use real guns. I’ve never heard this song before, but it is terrible. Apparently it is about penguins? So she decided to dress like a penguin? And instead of waddling around she decides to shake her hips a whole bunch to dislodge that other ovary? I don’t know. It’s a total mess and I think I can see what little light ever shown in her eyes dying a slow death. Syesha just tanked really, really hard and I cannot say I am sorry.
David Cook – FUCK YEAH! This is going to be awesome! Don’t let me down my 2nd choice winner! I secretly believed in you all along! I’m sorry I thought you were a creepy tool! All I had to hear was the opening notes of this song and I actually got excited by a performance on Idol for the first time in about 8 weeks. I even watched this performance twice, people. TWICE! I won’t say he knocked it out of the park, but it was the most totally awesome performance of the night, maybe even the month. I’ve got your back, David! Don’t let me down.
No Walk of Shame this week. It’s fairly obvious who the final two will be. The internets have been gunning for predicting a David vs. David showdown pretty much since the top 10. I hope they give us a finale worthy of all the commercials we are going to have to sit through next week.
Oh wait, some of us have DVR! Sweet.
here is the thing about wednesdays…they pretty much suck big giant donkey balls.
you are forced awake at 5am by your new nabes loud american car in the parking lot – which sits conveniently below your bedroom window. then you drive to work listening to npr and realize the donkeys are playing ass-inine games with each other as the elephants are trudging ahead. next you arrive to your cubicle and dig through emails about enhancing this and fortifying that and think to yourself “gahd..i have three more days of this shit”.
then suddenly, it is 3pm and you’ve got your weekly dose of heidi’s american idol round-up.
and once again, life is good.