Musical Theatre Extravaganza!

Let me start of this week’s roundup by stating that Idol night is ENDLESSLY more entertaining when I actually know what the hell they are singing!  No offence Mariah Carey!  Sir Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is quite a chummy and affable Englishman, not afraid to hide his skepticism of song choice, but also enthusiastic about the talent.  He’s my favorite mentor of all time so far.  I would like to have some tea and a biscuit with him.  Plus, I woke up this morning with about 14 different SLALW musical numbers in my head.  So that was fun.  And confusing.

 

Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:

 

Syesha Mercado – I am gracing Syesha with her last name today, because she finally didn’t suck big donkey balls.  She sang a song from one of my favorite musicals ever (Starlight Express! – London! – 1985! – Rollerskates!) and I thought she did well with it.  The downside is that everyone discovered tonight that Syesha is a musical theatre nerd, and not an American Idol.  So it’s a bit of a double edge sword.  I remember seeing an old video of Britney Spears singing something from Oklahoma in a talent show when she was 9 or 10 and my reaction was “Oh!  So Briney Spears has a good voice after all!  For MUSICAL THEATRE!”  And I felt the same way tonight. 

 

Jason Castro – Jason murdered one of the greatest Andrew Lloyd Webber songs of all time.  I’ve never even seen Cats, but I love this song and know it by heart, that’s how iconic it is.  He basically dumbs down the emotion.  Dumbs down the notes.  Dumbs down the power.  And in the end, the whole thing is just dumb.  He was really growing on me, this one.  But now he’s in the bottom of the heap.

 

Brooke White – Talk about murder.  Brooke’s deer in the headlights eyeballs, her faulty start and her intrepid, trembling bones made me hide under a pillow for the first half of this performance.  She chose a crap song, written for the movie version for Madonna of all people.  And Madonna kind of sucked at it in the movie, so I can’t imagine why anyone would choose it.  If you aren’t lying in bed at death’s door, you cannot pull this off.   I. Can’t. Even. Express. In. Words. How. Awful. This. Was.  Sheeeesh!  I am so glad that Simon did not rip her a new one, however, because I couldn’t have taken the sight of Brooke having a full on Mental Breakdown on the Idol stage.  I would have had to watch that horror through my fingers for sure.  So thanks for that, Simon.

David Archuletta –  I was expecting big things from Archuletta tonight.  I had him pegged as taking on Coat of Many Colors from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  Or something else about Jesus.  There are a surprising number of them in SLALW’s repitoire.  Instead he went for the soft, girly song from Phantom.  However, he kind of rocked it in an unexpected way.  This was the first night that David made me pay attention in a while and I thought he was awesome.

 

Carly Smithson – HELL YEAH!  Go Carly!  I hope this week shows the return of Mrs. Tatoo Face.  I thought her outfit was spot on, her song choice awesome and her performance was totally worthy of a type of entertainment that appears to be an oxymoron, but is not: Rock Opera!  All I can say about this is HELL YEAH!  Oh, wait, I already said that.  Awesome.

 

David Cook – So David decides to take on the Mother of all SLALW songs (man, I could say that about a lot of his songs, but just go with me here).  Coming from David one would expect some electric guitars rokken it all up and some weird vocal stylings to crap all over the creepy vibe of this song.  However, to try something different (for him),  David decides to sing it pretty straight, and only concentrates on the creepy.  I think this song would actually have benefited from his unique brand of “original” but maybe he couldn’t find an “original” cover to cover.  Is my head spinning around?  Instead all I saw was some skeezy dude totally trying to rufie my drink and, quite frankly, I am NOT into that.  Sorry David.

 

Tonight kind of blew me away with the Awesome factor, and I wish there had been more performers.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s different than “pop” or because most people who want to be on national television and rocket to reality fame* are really musical theatre geeks at heart, and just trying on a new skin.  I think most famous actors fall into this drama geek category as well.  They just get famous and follow someone’s advice and suddenly they are ‘cool’.  Strange.

 

Walk of Shame:  Brooke (I’m sorry, but I can’t watch you lose your soul anymore.  It hurts), Jason and possibly Syesha.

Sunburnt Melons

Mariah Carey week!  Question: What are the hippies going to do?  I only know about 3 Mariah Carey songs, but I’m pretty sure none of them are performed with acoustic guitar.  However, I LOVE Mariah Carey in the way I love all celebrities who are totally off their rocker. 
 
I feel perhaps last week’s roundup was written by my other personality, who is apparently a raving lunatic.  This week I am going to take it down a notch, mostly because I thought last night was a big ol’ snore fest.  No one really lit a fire under me, nor was anyone really a disaster in that glorious American Idol train wreck sort of way.  I think this is the toughest week to pick the bottom 3, and I have NO idea who is going home.
 
[Sidebar. Re: the subject of this email.  Let me give you a little history:
Mariah Carey used to have amazing boobs.  They were so amazing in fact, that I was convinced there was no way they were fake.  Low and behold I find out that she totally had a boob job and my response was "get me the name of her surgeon!", because if I was ever going to get new boobs, they would HAVE to Mariah's.  Well, apparently Mariah's satisfaction with her breasts didn't last as long as my fascination with plastic surgery, because she went and got new ones at some point.  And they look new and hard and round and red and FAKE!  I no longer covet your boobs Mariah, I hope you are happy.] 
 
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
 
David Archuleta – If you were surprised by David’s song selection this week you have obviously been living in [insert area on the moon] for the last 5 weeks.  Of course he had to pick a Mariah song from a Disney movie; a Disney movie about the Bible.  Big frickin’ surprise.  The song was David’s unique brand of boring (see last 900 inspirational performances), but I was highly amused by the leather pants, tickled even.  Perhaps you must be at least 18 to wear leather pants in Utah and this was his adorable way of rebelling.
 
Carly Smithson -  I thought Carly finally looked good, although brightening up her color palette might help a little more.  I can’t recall much about her performance, which probably means she is in trouble this week.  This was not one of the songs I know, and I don’t think it really showed much personality from her.  Maybe if I knew the song I’d have something to go off of, but really I am at a loss.  I don’t actively dislike Carly as much as most of the other contestants on this show.  I wish the stylists were kinder to her, but I think she needs to bring it back.  No, not the Sexy.  The Personality.  Acutally, I’m kind of at a loss this week for all these people.  Let’s pick it up!
 
Seyesha Something or Other – I admit Seyesha’s solid gold dress is better than mine, and I am jealous.  However, she’s wearing really bad shoes.  So I have that going for me.  Which is nice.  I hate everything about this performance.  Except the dress.  But it’s not in my closet so I hate that part too. THE END.
 
Brooke White – Hooray!  This week Brooke is back!  She’s at the piano and her voice is great and she’s signing with passion!  She’s doing amazing!  The song is going well pretty good…  uh oh…  what is happening?  Why are you slowing down?  Why are you speeding up?  I’m not tall enough to ride the musical rollercoaster!  Come on Brooke, PULL IT TOGETHER! 
Oh dear.
 
Kristy Lee Cook – So tonight I realized that Kristy has a crush on Ryan (sorry Devo!).  Here I thought her little notes and smiles and self depreciating comments were because she was over this competition and she didn’t give a shit anymore so she was just having fun with it, but really, she loves Ryan!  Aw.  And you know what?  I do actually like her attitude, and I think not caring anymore really helped her in her last couple performances.  But she better watch herself with Ryan, dude schedules his days in 5 minute increments.  OCD has nothing on Ryan Seacrest.  Her hair looks awesome (weave alert!), but for the 4th time tonight I am completely not caring about the song or the performance.  Man this week is rough!
 
David Cook – I am just so embarrassed for David Cook it’s not gag-inducing anymore and is veering into sad and pathetic territory.  This song is not working for him and his sleepy eyes and monotone dead voice do not scream “rockstar!” as much as “serial killer!”. Oh!  It’s like I’m watching Dexter!  Now maybe I will like it a little better…  nope.  Dexter is way hotter.  (Now that MJ was unceremoniously and viciously (Way to GIVE BACK, Producers!) cut last week I have no more eye candy on this show).  Randy and Simon both praise his performance as original and awesome so they are obviously hitting the pipe.  Drugs are bad!  Just look at Paula.
 
(Actually, don’t look at Paula.  It just encourages her to open her mouth and let more verbal diarreah tumble out.  We’re on a schedule people!  My DVR does not tolerate overtime!)
 
Jason Castro – I loved Randy’s comment about background music at a Luau.  He actually made a Simon comment that wasn’t a poor imitation!  And Simon has never heard of a Luau!?  How uncultured.  I guess they both have last week’s awesome performance on the brain, but in different ways.  Hawaiian AND awesome!  I do like Jason a lot, but he has got to try something new.  I don’t know this song so I don’t know if it benefited from his stoned interpretation or not, but I do know I am getting very sleeeeeepy…..
 
To sum up:  The judges thought the Dudes rocked it and that the Davids stole the show.  However, I don’t think there was much of a show to be stolen.  And where is Neil Diamond??  The most I can hope for now is 6 Neil Diamond songs, and unlike Mariah I know at least 15 by heart.  Oh WAIT!  Maybe he will come when the contestants sing 2 songs!! That brings the possibilities back up to 12!  Ohpleaseohpleasepleaseohplease.
 
Parade of Shame:  Yooo-hooo!  Hellooooo?  Carly?  Brooke?  Is Jason in there?  Kristy?  Dare I hope for Seyesha?
As much as it kills me I think the David’s are the only ones who are definitely safe.  Damn.

Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero?

No?  Well you are, American Idol!  Now THAT is an inspirational song!
 
I was really hoping tonight was Neil Diamond night, because I really want that to happen before there are only 4 contestants left, because, MAN!, I love me some Neil Diamond.
 
Instead it’s Inspirational Song Night and I think the producers should have told the kids what “inspirational” means because their choices are more “this song rocks my world” than “this song inspires me”.  I will say that the performances were pretty strong overall (even if I kind of hate every single contestant) and I’m going to have a heck of a time deciding who is going home.  I’m not even sure who the bottom three are!  (Although I haven’t exactly nailed that one on the head each week.  Those voters obviously don’t read my emails!)
 
Michael Johns – So tonight MJ starts the show by rocking some Aerosmith while wondering if you would like a baguette with your French Onion soup.  I loved that he went for the high notes, even if he didn’t quite nail it.  I thought it was a pretty kick ass performance, esp. for the IDOLS01 slot, but the judges decide to argue about whether this is a singing competition or a dreaming-on competition and then Ryan distracts everyone by talking about Simon’s nipples.  Great way to start the show guys!
P.S. Someone tell MJ that the cravat kind of went the way of dueling to the death, at around the same time. 
 
Syesha Something or Other – My goodness this woman rubs me the wrong way so badly I am raw.  Raw with anger and frustration and SUCK IT Syesha.  First she’s pissing me off by singing an American Idol song.  Good Lord.  Fantasia may not be my favorite Idol of all time, but she won the competition sweetie, which you will not, no matter how many power singers you try to impersonate.  Secondly, she’s got that goddamn emotional void shinning through the pretty kick-ass lyrics of the song, and even though she makes it to the end in one piece it’s so sorely lacking that Randy’s head kind of explodes again and the judges are a total mess tonight!  Well, maybe just Randy.
 
Jason Castro – Before you start, Jason, let me just say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song so don’t eff it up.  Ok, then?  Carry On…
I have to say that I’m not a huge fan of the Jack Johnson/Ben Harper school of bluesy guitar stoned surfer music but I kind of love this guy.  And I LOVE THIS SONG!  Thanks for not screwing it up.  Kiss kiss. 
 
Kristy Lee Cook – In her intro KLC preps us for her performance by explaining how she’s about to implement the strategy for success as described in the song she chose to sing tonight.  I think she’s figured out a jedi mind trick to use on the audience!  Then she sings a song about singing your heart out and if people don’t like it, you should just keep singing your heart out anyway and they can think you are a big stinking turd, but it just doesn’t matter because apparently they will vote for you anyway.  Assholes.
 
David Cook – Apparently David wasn’t quite finished with his pre-performance snack when the lights came up and the music started because he’s still swallowing his food and most of his words through the entire first verse of the song.  I’ve never heard of this band but it comes across that David thinks his rocker awesomeness is going to propel this band to stardom based on how awesomely he rocks this song and it’s just so shitty and sad that I don’t know what to do with myself.  And then he goes and becomes King of the Tools with that “give back” scrawled on his hand in goddamn sharpie to show just how sensitive this “rocker” can be.  To be honest with you, he makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. 
 
On a related note, don’t get me started on the hate I have for Idol Gives Back because there is going to be a whole hour of it tomorrow and if you’re lucky (or not so lucky) you might get to hear exactly what I think about it.  In detail.
 
Carly Smithson – For inspirational song week Carly would like to let you know that no matter how uplifting and inspirational her song choice she still would like to SMASH THINGS.  In her mom jeans slacks.  Oh Carly.  I don’t know why the stylist has it in for you so bad.  The hair is better this week, and the boobs look good and the arms are less noticeable, but the 8 tons of makeup caked on your face doesn’t make you look very young or fresh.  Carly rocks the Mercury, but she’s kind of lost something in her singing.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s somewhere between empty and strained.  I think she’s in trouble this week.
 
David Archuleta – When thinking about David Archuleta, I don’t think the phrase “crazy hot” would be the first to pop in my head, but thanks for that, RANDY. It makes me feel squicky.  Maybe you should ask Paula for a couple pills, you seem wound a little tight this evening.  Or maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, David sings at the piano a song I’ve heard once or twice, possibly in church (just kidding, I don’t go to church), but it’s about angels and flying high or something.  His dad sure knows how to pick his songs.  (Son, I think next week you should sing a song about joining hands and rising up.  You know, mix it up a little bit.)  His singing is spot on, but his performances are totally bleeding together into one big blob.  Less memorable and more oh-let-me-get-some-ice-cream-right-now-because-I-think-I-saw-this-last-week.
 
After another plug for Idol’s cloying, irrelevant, distracting and hate-inducing fundraiser that is Idol Gives Back, Ryan almost makes a random security guard piss herself.  And then feels kind of bad about it.  Hee hee.
 
Brooke White – It seems that Brooke confused performance night with bingo night because she walks out on stage in what can only be described as a mumu.  Maybe a trendy, expensive mumu, but a mumu none-the-less.  She sings a pretty classic, pretty cheesy song that isn’t what I would call “inspirational”, but it’s her best performance in a while and even though the judges almost make her cry on stage I thought it was pretty good.  Let’s hope it was good enough to keep her around!  I’m worried for her!
 
Overall the performances were pretty good last night, although I only really actually enjoyed one or two of them.  Just kidding!  I secretly enjoyed them all or else I wouldn’t have so much to say. Looky here, I can enjoy watching David Cook be a total tool while despising everything he’s trying to be.  It’s just how I am.
 
In tribute to this week’s theme I’m going to go for my dreaming-on picks as opposed to my singing picks (or size-of-fanbase weighted picks). 
 
Walk of Shame: David Cook, Carly and please oh please let it be Syesha.

American Idol – Top 9

Short and sweet this week.  My usual Idol enthusiasm has been replaced by mucus in my lungs.  Grosser, but just as permeating. 
 
By the way, RYAN, Simon would be the most boring Moment of Truth contestant of all time.  If you fooled anyone with that lame gag, you two deserve each other.  Douchebag.
(Totally kidding!  You’re awesome!)
 
Let’s get this ball rolling…
 
SQQQUEEEEEEEE!!   I love Dolly Parton!  And she looks smokin’ for a 90 year old!  She can serve cocktails and peanuts on my spaceship any day.  That being said, I’ve been feeling like shit for a week, have watched countless hours of crap television, and had a hard time differentiating tonight’s performances from the rest of my day time television drivel.  I love Dolly, but MAN, country week is not kind to Idol.

(Side note: If Kristy Lee Cook sings that sap fest Coat of Many Colors I am going to shoot myself. I mean it!)
 
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
 
Brooke White –  Brooke gets the (not-so-much-a) privilege of going first.  She kind of tanks, but delivers enough of a good feeling to float through.  Lesson learned:  Brooke is not a front woman for a band.  Girl needs to keep it solo.
 
David Cook -  First of all, can I say that when Ryan is interviewing David on the Coca Cola stools, David looks like this weird giant cartoon character?  I mean we all know Ryan is tiny, but David doesn’t look like that big of a guy.  Why is he towering over delicate little Ryan?  David finally does his own “arrangement” of his song choice of the week and it’s kind of middle of the road.  Well, I didn’t like it.  Although the hair is less Homer Simpson and more of an improvement.  So props for that.
 
Ramiele Maluby – Yes, Ramiele is tiny.  Yes, Ramiele is cute.  No, Ramiele is not going to win this competition.  Totally forgettable tonight, but will probably squeek by with her fanbase dialing in.
 
Jason Castro – Jason finally steps up his game in the tiniest little blink-and-you’ll-miss-it increment.  He’s still busking behind his guitar (thanks Simon, I hate buskers!), but this time he actually lets go a bit and starts to rock it out.  He needs to start doing a whole lot more of that if he wants to stay in the competition.  Might be in danger tonight.
 
(Simon has a season pass to Dollywood?  I knew I loved him!!)
 
Carly Smithson – Carly is starting to become middle of the road for me.  Not necessarily middle of this competition, but middle of the road for what she is supposedly capable of.  I liked her performance, but it wasn’t very memorable.  Plus Simon basically called her fat.  So that sucks.  For her. 
 
Kristy Lee Cook – BANG!
(suck it, Kristy Lee)
(even Paula throws out her “that was terrible so I will complement your outfit” critique)
 
David Archuleta – David is leanin’ on Jesus this week, and it serves him better than leaning on daddy.  (Hey!  I read gossip sites too!)  In my opinion he’s the only one tonight who sang Dolly the way it should be sung.  And I know it’s really boring and not very funny for David to be consistently good week after week (we’ll just forget that little Beatles fiasco for now, m’kay?), but what can I say?  If the population of people who actually vote on this show is made up entirely of screaming 13 year olds and middle age housewives, as I suspect it is, then he may (and it PAINS me to say it) just win this competition.
 
Syesha Something or Other -  Syesha does Whitney and America groans from the depths of their collective plush recliner.  HATE!  Could the alien inside her be any more predictable?  At least it will make a great sing out tonight.
 
Michael Johns – This was the song I have been WAITING for Michael to sing.  Pretty much since Hollywood Week.  Strong, clear and with feeling!  I knew he had it in him!  And I am very excited!  Can you tell?!  He even managed to control those flailing arms. 
 
So once again “country” week made Simon angry and showcased the mediocraty of this, the BEST SEASON OF IDOL EVER.
Walk of Shame?  Syesha, Ramiele and I think KLC finds herself in the bottom 3 once again.

THIS. is a-MERican idol

Disclaimer: Last night I watched Idol with other people on HDTV and it kind of threw off the whole experience for me.  Too much conversation and too many distractions such as “are the contestants really sweating that much?” and “did Simon tear a chunk out of Paula’s shirt in a fit of rage?”. 
 
So tonight the Top 10 come out on the stage for their intro and apparently Jason Castro forgot his pants.  Seriously, rewind and look again.  He looks like a Ken doll from the waist down.
 
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
 
Ramiele Maluby – Rami is up first which is tough this week among a plethora of mediocre performances.  This first slot can be the kiss of death (bye Amanda!) and her rendition of Heart doesn’t exactly break the bank; a couple eardrums maybe (and those back up singers aren’t doing her any favors).  She’s got that strong voice but this is kind of a mess.  And I don’t know if Paula making “sick” excuses for her up and down is going to earn her that many sympathy votes.
 
Jason Castro – Seems like he himself almost forgot it was his birthday.  Have another puff my friend.  Then maybe you can find you pants. 
 
Syesha Something or Other – So the judges liked her this week, and I still continue to like her less and less.  The baby cry freaks me out, so she isn’t going to win me over that way.  I think she reminds me of an alien come to earth to infiltrate our people by trying to partake in pop culture.  She’s becoming more assimilated every week, but something is just not right.  Please go home soon.
 
Chikezie – I don’t think he has a shot in hell to win this competition, but he definitely wins “Cutest Baby Photo”, if that counts for anything.  But despite the photo Chikezie is once again singing like an old man.  And not in his “hip-old-grandpa-down-by-the-bayou” way, but in an “I-am-very-old” way.
 
Note to Contestants:  When Ryan (Hi Ryan!) reads your voting number, do NOT hold up the number fingers.  I will not like you anymore.
 
Brooke White – This is me: “What?  The Police?  Oh please sing Roxanne!”  This is Brooke: pppbbbttththh.  Roxanne would have been awesome!  For me and for Brooke’s chances.  I think she really could have pulled it off. However, after a false start she goes strong with Every Breath You Take, but the band kind of comes in and messes it up for her.  I still love you Brooke!  Who either has grandma hands or was wearing one pink wrinkly glove.  Damn you HDTV.
 
Michael Johns – MJ confuses me.  Perhaps his hotness is like some kind of distractor beam.  The beginning of his performance was pretty thin, but I started to get really excited when it seemed (to me) that he was bringing it home.  My co-watchers thought he sucked, but I was kind of sucked in.  (What is that glowing yellow light?)  The judges seemed to agree with me, and my skepticism about watching with others (esp. those without DVR!) is reinforced. 
 
Carly Smithson -  Maybe that tattoo face she is married to scared some people off last week, but I was shocked to see her in the bottom 3.  (If the bottom 3 is actually the bottom 3.  Just another theory I’m working on).  Since she didn’t really knock anyone’s socks off this week, and REALLY needs to find a new stylist, I am worried for her.  I can’t even remember what song she sang, except that there was a lot of pumping of the pelvis.
 
David Archuletta – I don’t remember what song he sang either.  Some rise up Africa or let’s all hold hands song I think.  We are all brothers and sisters?  Not all of us are Mormon my friend!  David is great and awesome and cuddley, but would you really buy his album?  He’s more like the best kid in the high school talent show, not the multi-plaitnum recording artist this show would like you to think it creates.  I’d probably buy his Christmas album though.
 
Kristy Lee Cook – I swore last week I would stop picking her to go home, and this week that vow might pay off.  Even though she sang a song the epitomizes everything i hate about Americans, she rocked the shit out of it.  I only know that song from Drop Dead Gorgeous in the part where the beauty contestants state what makes them Proud to Be an American.  And one of them cites her uncle’s giant ball of string.  And it is awesome.  Rent it.  (That movie makes me, Heidi Anne Kirkpatrick, proud to be an American)
 
David Cook – Despite the fact it took about 32 bars for me to figure out what song he was singing, I think he rocked the house.  The flashy lights and decorated shirts are a little distracting, and he needs to stop “creatively” covering songs that other bands have already “creatively” covered.  What’s next?  The Urge Overkill version of Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon during Neil Diamond week?  Please God, no.  Don’t mess with The Neil! If you’re really an original David, you need to find your own way to be original here.
 
Roundup: A kind of blah night.  I’m happy to see MJ stepping it up (but needs to rock something besides Queen, no one trick ponies allowed).  Syesha’s plan for earth inflitration might be working (to my disappointment) and Carly might be seriously rethinking that tattoo on her finger.
 
Bottom 3: Ramiele, Chikeze & Carly once again

American Idol – Top 12

Not that you care, and not that you asked, but I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while.  Now that I have pinpointed at least 4 serious Idol fans (wagering!  shit-talking!) I have what I consider a captive audience.  Throw in a couple other Idol fans (Hi Kelly!  Franny!) This may be the only week I do it, or you may be deleteing these every Wednesday.  Only time and your awesome sense of humor will tell.
 
Heidi’s American Idol Roundup:
 
Amanda Overmyer – Ok, I admitt it.  I am over the Overmyer.  Actually, if I’m being really honest, I’ve never liked her.  But maybe that wasn’t a secret to begin with?  Tonight she does the same old thing in the same old clothes with the same old terrible hair.  I get that some people really dig her style, but then they can probably line up to watch her shout a lot on the back of a flatbed.  Girl is 24!!!  Why do I feel like I’m watching a 40 year old 4 pack a day smoker clinging to their rockstar dream?
 
Kristy Lee Cook – Will you ever go away?  I didn’t even have Kristy Lee in my top 12, yet here she is, every week, sucking.  Girl had a record deal, girl still couldn’t sing.  What is American Idol going to do for her?  Oh yes, let her showcase her favorite dress made out of a Glad bag and glitter glue.  Paula liked the dress, but I think Paula gets most of her wardrobe from a dumpster.  Probably one behind her local pharmacy.
 
David Archuleta – David is back this week with his usual adorableness and amazing voice.  However, I still think last week showed his 17 years and though he’s going to go deep into the competition, I still don’t think he’s polished enough to win.
 
Michael Johns – Michael of the Two First Names is so hot and sexy and accent-y that I can’t help but love him.  But dude needs to step it up, BIG TIME.  And please no more sob stories, they were genuine at first but are becoming cloying; one of my least favorite things in the world.  And even more than Brooke, he needs to figure out what to do with his arms while singing.  Someone give that guy a guitar.  He doesn’t even have to know how to play it. 
 
Brooke White – My favorite to win this competition didn’t quite do herself any favors this week by being matchy matchy with her song and twirling and wooing around the stage all limbs a-kimbo.  I still think her voice is amazing and it gets me every time she sings, but she needs to play to her strengths, maybe even more than Little David.  However, I will admit that her downfall in this competition could come from not mixing it up enough.  She’s still leagues above at least 8 of the other competitors though, and I’m sticking by my pick.
 
David Cook – Uh oh, David got cocky.  Not where you want to be when you face the King of Cocky every week at the judge’s table.  I think David does what he does really well, but this week it was a little too “Look how awesome and rockerish I am with my dumb voice modulator that I just learned how to use this morning!” Gack.  If he takes it down a notch and showcases his vocals I still think he can go a long way.
 
Carly Smithson – Where’s my Guiness?!?!  Just kidding…  I love your bar!  Anyway, we seriously need to talk about the hair and the giant wreath shirt.  Is someone riding you in a parade?  I sure hope not.  But I think some lucky wagerers will be riding you all the way to the end of this competition.  However, me thinks perhaps Carly is staking a little to much of her life’s worth (a tattoo?  For Idol?  Really?)  on this competition.  It could all go terribly wrong for her in the end.  Blackbird didn’t rock my world, but Carly is consistently strong and should have no probablem making the final 4 at least. 
Previous record deal not withstanding.
 
Jason Castro –Nerd Alert!  What’s with the two toned shirt tucked into the jeans?  And how does that guy manage to be so stoned all the time under the watchful eye of the Fox Network?  He’s adorable and I love his schtick, but Michelle didn’t wow me.  He’s safe this week but he either needs to go back to seducing chicks in the dorm room or bust out with something truly amazing.
 
Syesha Something-or-Other – This girl bores me to death.  The boobs were kind of exciting this week, but IMHO not enough to redeem her fakely emotional rendition of Yesterday. She sucks.
 
Chikezie – Any guy that can get Ryan Seacrest that riled up (see last week’s Top 12) is a hero in my book.  (Have I mentioned how much I love Ryan Seacrest?  If I haven’t, and if I write any more of these you will certainly learn)  Chikezie took his awesome performance from last week, transferred it to a lesser song, threw in a harmonica and basically trashed it all up.  Sorry Chikezie, it wasn’t very good.
 
Ramiele Maluby – Ramiele proves once again that she is a natural talent.  Though her song choice was weak and the arrangement atrocious, she never missed a note.  Her strong vocal skills will carry her further in this competition, and she is so shortly adorable (She’ll totally be your BFF in like 5 minutes), but girl needs to seriously rock it out.
 
I could tell you my prediction for bottom 3, but if Kristy Lee doesn’t go home this week I might boycott Idol forever.*
 
*That is a total lie